Setting Out Every Day

out in the early

2011-08-17T22:14:00.007-04:00

I love mornings. I love being awake before anyone in the house and in the world at large. The luxurious extra time afforded by going to bed early is so completely appealing to me. Who cares about late night tv anyway. I woke up early this morning... 5:30 or so, and got out of bed. We live pretty close to a beautiful state park, so I loaded Chaucer up into the truck and off we went for a very early morning walk. It was so early that the birds weren't even up to their vocal crescendo. The fog was still thick in the trees and the air was silent. This is what I love. It is intimate really. I love the closeness of atmosphere.

As I was walking along, allowing Chaucer to run wild and free down the road and in the woods, river etc, I walked up to this apple tree, because it was there, on the side of the road, with apples weighing down its branches, and low and behold, simply the biggest caterpillar I have ever seen was there tucked around one of the branches. It was beautiful really... although it did remind me of a tomato horn worm (my nemesis), but it was green and red and blue and absolutely huge!!! Maybe close to five inches long. crazy... So, I took a picture and ogled it crazily for a few minutes.

I love mornings, and today, for both me and Chauc, was a great one.

Thank you quiet,

thank you fog,

thank you solitude.

Basil Pesto

2011-08-13T08:42:00.007-04:00

Basil Pesto, most people just call this pesto, but there are really tons of different types of pestos. "Pesto" actually means "to pound" in Italian. I almost tried to make some this time in my mortar and pestle, but it was still a bit too daunting.

My basil, Genovese Basil, grew so well this year. It's important to treat it right so it doesn't grow into tall treeish things that fall over. Pretty early on, you should start shaping it into bushes by nipping the tops off at the first branch out of leaves. Just leave the two side growth of leaves and take the center stem. The two side growths will then take over and the basil will start to bush out. just keep doing this ever once and a while, and you will end up with nice full bushes of basil.

I picked as much Basil as I could hold between two arms, and I still have a ton of it still

growing. (So, if anyone wants a bunch of Basil just come on over!! I mean that.)

Making Pesto is actually super easy. I followed a recipe that I have used before... I think its Nigella Lawson's on the

food network, but they are all very similar.

5 cups of Fresh Basil (leaves and supple stems only) if your basil has flower spikes make sure to not include these because they are really bitter.

1 peeled Garlic clove

1/4 cup of pine nuts

big grind of pepper, and a pinch of salt

1/2 cup of finely grated parmesean

1/2 cup of olive oil

Before I tell you how to put all of this together, I want to remind you that in recipes like t

his the quality of the ingredients really shows through. Get really good olive oil and parmesan. Use freshly ground pepper. Be good to your pesto.

So push all of the basil into the bowl of a food processor. Include the garlic, pine nuts, pepper and salt and pulse it all until it's nicely minced. You might have to stop the thing and push the basil down a few times. Make sure to scrape the sides down with a rubber spatula.

Then, once it is all minced up, start the processor on low and slowly trickle in the olive oil. I used the same 1/4 cup measuring cup for the pine nuts. I streamed it in and and once the first 1/4 cup was done, I stopped it and scraped down the sides. Then I refilled the 1/4 cup and repeated.

Process this until you have a nice pasty pesto. It shouldn't be liquidy, it should be the

consistency of...hmm... creamed spinach? That sounds too gross.... I can't think of any other thing that

consistency. Just like a nice paste not a liquid.

At any rate, once it is done, scrape it out into a bowl and fold in the parmesan....... Done!

I freeze mine in ice cube trays and keep them in a ziplock bag through the winter.

Jenny and I recently went out to North Hampton for a date without the kids. (First time ever) and we had lunch at a great place, Sylvester's. I had the Smithie's Favorite: which was a grilled cheese smothered with pesto. It was amazing!!!!! Here is my attempt at reliving that experience.

We also make pesto pizza, which is a basic pizza crust lightly coated with olive oil, pesto and cheese. Yum!

Enjoy

cilantro pesto

2011-07-25T12:59:00.003-04:00

Ah, Cilantro Pesto. I made this two years ago and it lasted through the entirety of the year. It has a freshness that can't be touched in the dead of winter and in the summer it is exactly the way that summer should taste!

I just took in the first harvest of cilantro this morning. It's important to do that before it goes to flower. The leaves loose their vitality and taste to a degree once the plant flowers. Mine was shooting up spikes of frondy kind of leaves and I new it was now or never. Another thing about growing cilantro that makes it nice, is that the plants are so forgiving. I left about a quarter of the existing leaves on each plant and they will grow into full bushy cilantro plants again within a couple of weeks. Harvesting this stuff is a joy in itself: The smell is amazing.

So, what do you do with a whole harvested garden row of cilantro? MAKE PESTO!! This pesto freezes so well, and doesn't loose a bit of its color. Really, great stuff. The lime really adds to the

natural flavor of the Cilantro, it doesn't get in the way.

I used a recipe that I found three years ago on a foody blog post... here is the link, http://5secondrule.typepad.com/my_weblog/2009/04/summertime-is-pesto-time-with-an-overabundance-of-basil-in-my-earth-box-the-boys-and-i-head-outside-on-hot-afternoons-to-p.html. Kind of a big link... anyway, I took between 8 to 10 bunches of cilantro out of my garden and made pesto out of the whole lot of it. So, I have about 8 to 10 times the amount of pesto that

the recipe makes. The final product fit nicely in a larger cereal bowl.

It took about half an hour to finish it up. I would also recommend listening to The Civil Wars while making this. I did, and although I'm not guaranteeing that the pesto will taste better for it, I bet it might. :)

Here is the basic recipe with my own little tweaks here and there.

You can compare it against the original on the blog post that I linked to above.

1 bunch of cilantro (the original blog said to discard the stems a short distance from the leaves, but if you are growing your own cilantro, the stems don't get nearly as woody as the store bought stuff and they have a ton of flavor, so I treat them like asparagus, I bend them until they snap and use the part closest to the leaves. If they don't snap clean then they are too woody to use in the pesto).

1 half a lime, zest and juice

a grind or two of black pepper

3 tablespoons of Canola Oil. (I actually like the clean taste of this better than Olive Oil. This pesto should taste fresh and clean.)

1/16 Tbs of salt. (just a tiny pinch)

And that's it. I grated the limes with a microplane. Everything is pretty straight forward here. Combine the cilantro, lime juice and zest, Black Pepper, and salt in a food processor. Start the thing spinning, then drizzle in about half of the oil as it spins around. Stop it, scrape down the sides with a spatula, then start it up again and drizzle in the rest of the oil. You should really do this in a small steady stream as the pesto churns around. Also, I would advise making at least a double recipe, it doesn't really make a ton and, at least in my food processor, it kind of sat under the blades and didn't blend as well until I added another full recipe to the mix. Plus, it uses up a whole lime nicely.

That's it. Hope you enjoy it. If you choose to make some and try freezing it, I did it in ice cube trays and then kept the little green jewels in a ziploc in the freezer.

Radishes

2011-06-26T21:17:00.003-04:00

This is my ode of love to radishes.

Derived from the Latin, Radix, meaning root, the radish was domesticated before Roman times. I love the little guys, they are the first color that comes out of my garden.

They really are magical: I had nothing four days ago, just some greens and today, I have these little red beauties. These are cherry bell radishes. The first of the season are so mild and and juicy with just a tiny bit of pepper at the finish.

I don't have a lot of history with radishes, but here is what I have. I remember my father growing them in the garden even though no one in my family liked them. The natural progression of this was that the radishes grew so much that my early memories of them are of huge woody, cracked things that were so overly peppery that no one but old hardened men may have been willing to eat them.

I also worked for a plastic injection molding factory while I was in college. I was sitting in the "QC'S" office and Irec, the manager on duty came in. Irec was seriously Polish... like as Polish as a man could physically get. He talked with a thick accent that reminded me of Russia. He was also an Ex-merchant marine. He was big and intimidating, but a complete puppy underneath it all. At any rate, Irec loved to talk about all of the vast and rich experiences he had had in his past. In reference, and defense of Poland, Irec wisely said conspiratorially: (please feel free to extend your "R"s and draw out your vowels) "David... (pronouced Daved) Poland is like a radish, its red on the outside but white all in the middle. He winked and walked out of my office leaving me to consider Communism and all of its subtleties.

I am not sure about the political unrest at the heart of Poland, but I will tell you that these red, first appearing vegetables of the season are among my favorites.

#2

2011-04-06T10:01:00.002-04:00

Girls are popcorn
fidget
squeak
giggle
smirk
whisper smile whisper
shift
gab gab gab gab gab
glance...glance...
shhhhhhhhhhhhhh

(pop)

a poem a day!!!!!!!!!

2011-04-05T11:32:00.005-04:00

OK, so, right now my students are all freaking out because I assigned one poem a day for the whole month. YEAH!!!!!! EVIL!!!!!!!! Here is my first one.
Everyone is concerned with
what lies deep within
the heart and soul and such things
But it is in your face
that I see you
a shallow, light-filled stream
laughing across the surface
And I am sure that
your bedrock is down there
hardened and broken
but on this leafless spring morning
I am looking for the sun.

My Road

2010-10-24T19:57:00.008-04:00

For all of my students... I am sick of keeping two blogs that are primarily the same thing, so, I am only going to keep this one from now on.

(remember, you can click on any of these pictures to make them larger)

(I took all of these today on a little walk down my street)

My Road...

I want to challenge any of you to a "road" challenge. I propose that I live on the complete nicest road in Rutland. I know I do, and I am going to prove it to you. My road has character. It's really, really old and has really cool things about it that those newer roads can't even touch. Things like trees... not just trees though, old, huge trees, and fruit trees. Grapes grow wild on the side of the road and there are pear trees in the old pasture. Apple trees completely line my road.

If you went by in a car, you would never even notice them... but take a walk and you can smell them.

My road is tiny, less than a quarter mile long. There are definitely less than twenty, more like fifteen. Most of them are really old. One of the nicest used to be a tavern in the 1800's.

To top that off, the writer of "A History of Rutland Massachusetts", Jonas Reed, used to live there in the 1800's. It has a cold cellar and a really old barn with a ghost pony.... don't ask, just believe me. It also still has the horse hitch at the front of it.

Alright you say, you think I have won already, I haven't even started yet! My road has the continuation of the old cart road that goes up into the woods after the tarred road curves away. It's is super beautiful, and rocky. We call it "Stony." There is a cart path that heads into the woods from it that goes in around five miles all the way down to the Ware river that runs behind my house. There is an old stone that now rests on the common in the center of town. It is an Indian "corn stone." They found that 100 years ago down that path into the woods behind my house.

I am still going... There is a path that leads to an school house about 2oo yards from my house.

The best is still to come.

Ok, so that tavern, the one that Jonas Reed lived in, has a huge barn that once kept a whole bunch of cows and such. Well, my road has a tunnel under it that no one knows about. The cows used to cross under the road and into pasture through it. I wen't under there today and it is still in great condition.

What other road has a tunnel under it built over 100 years ago?

I love my road.

So, yesterday was my birthday...

2010-07-16T09:14:00.003-04:00

It was a good one: lobster rolls, cupcakes, and I'm 39. Last year of my thirties. When I am 50, Henry will be able to drive and Nora will be officially a teenager. When I am 60, they will both be out of college and working it.... 50 and Henry Driving.... why isn't this settling right in my stomach.

Nutter Butter Creme Patties , mosquitoes, and staying up way too late.

2010-07-01T11:26:00.006-04:00

We went to the drive ins for the first time this summer last night. It was great. There are some standards that must be met for a successful night at the drive ins. Nutter Butter Creme Patties are one of those things. It is the only time we buy these. Also, jammas and pillows for the kids. There is something really special about taking your pillow into the car, a little piece of personal comfort, and maybe even more than that, a piece of security, to take with you where ever you are going. I remember loving that. We watched Toy Story 3. Henry proclaimed it, "Too Scary" at the end, which really meant a couple things; it was too scary, and too sad. He won't say anything is too sad. I have no idea where he gets this stoicism. I am about the least non-emotive father known to man. But he really resists things like that. Anyway, the drive ins were everything that they should have been. Henry stayed up the whole time and even on the ride home. Nora didn't last so long. She started to get really irritable about 3/4 of the way through and then completely fell asleep two seconds into the drive home. Another nice thing about the drive ins is carrying sleeping children into bed afterward.

Garden post 2

2010-06-30T14:33:00.003-04:00

Right, well, the transplanted Brandywines are finally snapping back. It seems that the purple Crims are doing the best out of all of them. My arugula is doing awesome and is getting close to harvest time.I will probably replant the row afterward. My cukes have their first true leaves. I am going to build a trellis for them this year. I got a blister from raking the weeds from between the rows today.... owie.

Garden post 1

2010-06-12T09:50:00.003-04:00

Well, it must be the end of the school year if my head is clear enough to blog again. I went out to weed my garden and lo and behold, deer prints. I checked everywhere and didn't see any damage to my tomatoes. A few tiny, helpless, little purple basil plants were crushed to death. But I will accept their deaths if it was in defense of the rest of my garden. Everything seems to be going well. I even have garlic chives coming up, which didn't sprout at all last year. So, 1 point for garden, 0 for nasty invaders.

a sonnet

2010-02-12T13:00:00.001-05:00

a leading

This forest shares its secrets with the wind,
Its whispered acorns; deeply buried prayers.
Where ferns glow green and stretch out spongy limbs,
And lichened rocks are holy altar stairs.
Black beetles genuflect and flash their shells.
Moth’s tattered wings reach out to supplicate.
The breath within the soil gently swells,
And lifts up cantillations to the day.
A tree trunk lays itself in feathered moss,
While rings of ivy lash it to the ground.
The ancient Oak knew nothing of it’s loss,
And wears the vines as Hera wears her crown.
I knew all this when I was still a child,
When God still showed His nature in the wild.

quick

2010-01-02T22:58:00.003-05:00

dig my feet in

make the earth below me spin

watch the green and snapping branches

coalesce and dim

I am among the light, the barely here,

the about to begin.

2009-11-23T20:00:00.001-05:00

First Snow

2009-10-17T17:56:00.003-04:00

As I grow older, I have really come to see the first snow as something magical... or maybe its the influence of all those "Calvin and Hobbes" books that I have.

I have beautiful memories about being outside in the snow... the common thread in almost all of them is the silence. After all of the sledding is done and exhaustion had thoroughly set in, we always laid there, back in sled, and let the snow fall on us. The silence then was comforting.

Even more so, in the deep woods, when I would go tracking for deer. I would go across the street and would inevitably find deer tracks. Then I would follow them for as far as I could. There were fifty acres of uninterupted woods across the street from my parents house, and once led inside, the other world was lost. leaves, snow, dark tree trunks and silence.

Nora and Henry have a lot to look forward to.

pick it up, put it in, throw away the bag.

2009-10-12T06:34:00.004-04:00

I helped to insulate the upstairs yesterday. My friend Tony, who is an insulator, came over and as a favor, insulated the upstairs of my house. So we are that much closer to having an upstairs. It is all VERY exciting. It would be even more exciting if we had the money to do it. But, thank God, Tony is doing this as a favor, and we are getting a very professional job done up there. Any way, at one point, he needed help and my job for a couple hours was to load bales of mulched up, treated newspaper product into a hopper while be blew it into the walls upstairs. It reminded me of some of the jobs I had before I was a teacher and I thought that I would write a little about them.

My first job, while I was a sophomore in highschool, was working at "Olsons," a restaurant in East Templeton. I was a dishwasher. My neighbor Greg got me the job there. The owner was an interesting guy. I don't remember much except for a deep loathing that I had for the man because, weekly, he also demanded that the dishwashers come to his house and mow the lawn. Even then I knew that was kind of sketchy. I can't remember quitting that job. I think I just stopped going. And that was Olsons.

My second job was at a Supermarket in Gardner. It was called the "Food Farm." I worked their for exactly one week. I had no idea what to do socially. I remember the first day I asked another employee where to find some food item that a customer was looking for and they gave me crap about it. So I didn't ask from that point forward and got fired for being a "know-it-all." I also had a woman with a beard ask me where the cherries were. She really had a beard, it's burned into my my memory.

My third job... god what was my third job... I remember a few crash and burn jobs...I worked in the video section of Stop and Shop... but I don't think that was my third job... Oh, got it, I worked at "Horse and Buggy Feeds" in Winchendon. This was an interesting job. It covered a whole assortment of things, feeding tiny chickens, quails and ducks (my favorite part), repotting plants, getting sacks of grain. I ended up liking this job a bit, but I got fired for some unknown reason. They accused me of stealing some flowers. WHAT?? I am still offended at this. Then they fired me for wearing the wrong shoes. That was that. I was kind of hurt by that because, A. I kind of enjoyed the job, and B. I didn't steal anything! I did however lose about 10 baby chicks by knocking over the warming table by mistake. They ran everywhere..."peep" peep" just everywhere and I was trying to keep them quiet while chasing down every last one of them. The owner did end up coming down stairs and seeing me desperately chasing them down. Maybe that's why he canned me... who knows

more later.

Mark Twain

2009-10-03T07:39:00.002-04:00

I went and saw an actor portray Mark Twain last night. It was pretty incredible really. I had forgotten the power that that man had. His essays are a beautiful mix of biting sarcasm and incredibly strong message. I can't believe how relevant his writing still is. Some of it went over my head, if I am honest. Still, I was really moved by his words. Here is one of the things said that really impacted me.

"O Lord our Father, our young patriots, idols of our hearts, go forth to battle -- be Thou near them! With them -- in spirit -- we also go forth from the sweet peace of our beloved firesides to smite the foe. O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it -- for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.

He was really an amazing man. I was very happy to have gone last night.

Sunday

2009-09-27T07:04:00.002-04:00

I guess Jenny is getting sick. She is back in bed after initially getting up with the kids. I stayed up too late again last night. I really need to get to bed early enough to get eight hours of sleep. That is the goal. Today, we are going to church, then Jen is supposed to go back to work at 3. I am thinking that neither of those things are going to happen. She seemed kind of miserable... but she always seems miserable in the morning. What is up with morning and night people anyway. I am definitely a morning person. I wonder what all of that is really about. I have this ideal in my mind. I can picture getting up early and watching the house grow light. I like to have all of my ducks in a row before the day actually starts. I really do accomplish that a good amount of time too. The only thing that stands in the way is when I am tempted into staying up too late, like last night. It might be a tv show like Destination Truth, that comes on at 10:00, or, maybe the kids were crazy and I can finally hear myself think. I don't know. Optimally I would be going to be before 10, something like 9:30, and I would get up at 5:30. Then I would leave at 6:50 to get to work for 7.

Today is undecided. Sometimes I like em that way.

machine head

2009-09-20T06:18:00.002-04:00

I woke at six this morning without an alarm. It means a couple things to me. I really like not hearing the alarm and I am always kind of in awe that my head knows what time it is. It also means that school is officially controlling me. Its ok though, people's job control them and that my friend is the way it is. It was below 60 degrees in this house this morning and I turned on the heat. Jenny is sadistic about not turning on the heat but too freaking bad! It was really cold. It takes a while for our house to heat up because of the radiant heat so it is still really cold in here. I love waking before the rest of everyone is up. It is this silent time.

It wasn't even really light out yet. Jenny just told me today that summer isn't officially over yet. I find that pretty hard to believe. The leaves are changing and I am in the mood for fall. Picking apples, baking goods, cool nights, indian summers. It is all really nice. Not to mention the lack of mosquitoes. That might just be the best part. I have to get myself going with my photography class. I am not treating it like a class at all. I haven't even bought the book. I haven't started working on the assignment due tomorrow, which will be a still life. I have two ideas for it, one involving my chess set, and one involving wine and infidelity. Nora woke up about five minutes ago frantically looking for her binky. I have no idea how I am going to ween her off of that thing.

I wake early

2009-09-12T06:38:00.002-04:00

It is really dark out still. The whole house is sleeping, just like I like it. I taught on word symbology yesterday and it is one of my favorite things to teach on. Today I am going to a wedding, and something before that that I can't remember.

I have been back to work now for about a week and a half, and I have to say that I really like what I do. I am staying in school till four every day now just to keep caught up on all of the peripheral things and it is great. I miss my kids but not terribly. I know they are going to be there when I get home. I really like my classes this year. I am having former students come back almost every day and that really makes me happy. Things are good.

I am going to my new photography class Monday night. I can't wait to see if it is something that is going to benefit me or not. It better for $800.

Hmm... nothing much this morning then.

6:30

2009-09-10T06:31:00.002-04:00

Its 6:30.

I have been staying up past 11:00 every night this week. I need to stop. But, Destination Truth was on last night and I have completely forgotten how much I love that show. I LOVE that show! If you can you should definately watch a webisode of the show that ran last night. Completely entertaining. But now I am tired.

Yesterday was such a misfire. Its going to be hard to even describe. I went to school and had no idea that I wasn't supposed to be there and that they had hired a sub to take my class that day. I was supposed to be doing some Literacy Initiative training in Paxton. crazy.... so I had to throw something together for the sub and then fly to paxton. I ended up getting there early but was completely misjointed throughout the entire thing, then I came back to school at 3:00 and went to a meeting that lasted till 4:10. I came screaming home because Jenny had an appointment at 4:00 that I was supposed to watch the kids for, but Henry's bus had broken down and he didn't get home till 4:20, about two minutes before I got home. I passed Jenny driving past me in an attempt to get the kids to me at school. Fortunately I saw her and flashed her down. She turned around and gave me the kids at home. I then had to go back to school for a PTO meeting at 6:30 that lasted till 8:00. Then home again..... I don't like days like this..... I spent so long in meetings... I hate meetings. You might think that meeting would be nice. But they are mostly pointless, unless you count having all sorts of free time to draw in my notebook worthwhile. I kind of do, but the meetings themselves, not so much. I drew a deconstructed cow.

I really did.

reverb love song.

2009-09-06T22:25:00.003-04:00

I went to visit a friend that I haven't seen really in about twenty years or so today. He was my best friend in highschool. It was actually really nice, surreal, but nice. He was the lead singer of our band, lol. He is still singing and way into the band scene, which I actually admire. I have to say, the thing that I left admiring the most about Kris was that he was completely true to himself. He is, pretty much who he was in the 10th grade. Who can say that? I certainly am not. I completely changed. But yeah. He was really nice. There were far too many people there and I could see that he was struggling with paying attention to them all, especially when his "work" friend showed up. He had a big house with toys everywhere: course for various four wheelers and dunebuggy, complete jam room, on an on. I feel like it was kind of a collection of things that he wanted when he was younger and there they all were in his dream home.

It made me think hard about what I really want. What is my dream future? Am I living it, or at least toward it? I think to some degree I am. I always envisioned myself in a cute small house. But the one that I was in had a lot more "scope for the imagination." It had things like a view and a natural quaintness that lived there.

I had a hard time seeing my house as that house when we first had it built. There are a lot of things that have to happen to my land and house to make that come true. I keep running into financial walls. but we have only been here for going on three years. And before that there was woods here. I guess that is progress.

I think above everything, I want a house that breathes well-being. I want to be able to see my kids grow into mature, thinking and caring people. I want to bring real beauty out. And somehow, I want it all to be connected to the land around me.

So, thanks Kris, for being so kind, and also for making me consider.

of canticles and stones

2009-09-05T07:26:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was unique. I am constantly finding myself pushed beyond what I feel comfortable doing. Well, maybe not constantly, but a lot. Here is how it went. I went to the church with Jenny and there were a couple other people there. We waited and after about ten minutes My friend Dave's kids showed up along with the other people that were going to be there to witness the renewing of their vows. Dave and Jen weren't there yet. The whole time I was crazy nervous that I was going to forget the words to the song. And, I wanted to hear how my voice was going to bounce around the inside of that church, which was pretty much just stone, dirt and wood. But I was too embarrassed to just sing in front of the few people that I didn't know that were wandering around the church grounds. So I pretty much just walked by myself and tried to sing here and there.

Dave and Jen did show up, and I think Jen was semi surprised. Everyone was dressed pretty casually. I was just wearing what I wore to school. They walked into the church and talked a little bit, but things got down to business pretty quick. The Pastor brought the six of us to attention and held the service. It was short, Dave read from "The Little Prince." They repeated their vows and it was my turn. I sang Harvest Moon low and probably at medium volume. The Pastor thought I had finished after the first verse and jumped in, and I didn't mind it at all. It actually sounded a lot better than I thought it would. I love that I did it, but I am so happy to have it done.

Its so weird that I can sing. I really can too. I am just not the singing type. I don't like to do things like that in public, but I am always roped into doing it. I am so much happier on the drums, or even guitar. Still, I have sung, by myself, in front of almost a thousand people, I have sung semi-regularly in front of a crowd of five hundred. I have been the lead singer in a rock group and just with me on acoustic. It is the weirdest thing in my life.

The best part of yesterday was going back to Dave's house and having a cheese and wine party after everything was done. He really knows wine and cheese!!

Riding not riding

2009-09-03T06:26:00.002-04:00

I am riding my bike today. No, actually, I don't think I am.

That has been my morning. And, I have to memorize a song, that I am going to sing, without any instrumentation at an abandoned church with four people, including me, standing in it at the renewing of a friends vows.... in two days. I like the idea of singing in an abandoned church, but, the actuality of it, is s c a r e y.

Half an hour before

2009-09-02T06:28:00.002-04:00

Here is what I am thinking. I don't want to ride my bike past former students because I always look so stupid riding the thing. I am not one of those svelte bikers in black spandex suits that zip past. I am actually the exact antithesis of that. So, yeah, I don't want to do that, but I think I am going to have to. I am excited to see my students. I am excited to get this year going. I hope I am helping my body by biking not destroying it. I am nervous to read the names of the students in my homeroom out loud because I am not sure how to pronounce them yet. I want this year to be better than last and last was pretty good from a "my own class" perspective. I don't really want to eat oatmeal but I think somehow it will give me energy for my bike ride. I want Henry to have a really positive experience at school. I want them to love him like I do. I want Jen to walk away from today stronger than she was. I want the bus to drop Henry off at our house and not get him lost somewhere. I want Henry not to be bothered by a bunch of new kids and noise. I don't want him to zone out an mumble things because there is too much going on around him. I don't want him to be lonely.

I think that is it for what is on my mind right now.

I am going to go make some oatmeal.

tomorrow

2009-09-01T21:20:00.000-04:00

I am ready

full circle

2009-08-30T06:23:00.002-04:00

I am waking up again. I can tell myself roughly when to wake up and most of the time I am pretty accurate. Actually, most of the time I am dead on, right to the minute. 6:00. That is my time. The kids don't wake till between 7 and 8. Jenny won't wake up till between 9 and 10. So this is my hour. I joined a site that is being hosted by the Western Mass Writing Project, something that a few of my fellow bloggers will most likely become familiar with this year. Its for teachers and its about their writing..... not their students. Its so nice to be treated as an individual with talent, not just a person with 100 or so teenagers hanging off of them like clothing.

I love it. I posted a journal entry and got real feedback. I actually had goosebumps reading all of the responses. Writer to writer. So nice.

Also, I just got done reading my little blog route and am so happy to see my first group of seniors become freshmen. It is special to me, because although for some reason, unlike me, most of them enjoyed high school, I found myself in college, and they are going there. Kat is going to be at Smith, and I went to Smith all the time and had lots of friends there. Phoebe is somewhat pessimistically going to UMASS. I feel like that is where I became me. I wonder if she is going to be able to sift through all of the stuff there and do the same. It is a special feeling for me and I think I am really going to be the only one that really understands what I am feeling. I am excited though.

My goals for this year are to be more in touch with myself as a writer, with my students along the way, and to be proactive in the "school"stuff that I have to do, you know, paper work and stuff as well as contacting parents. I am going to have a rule about being quiet in the beginning of class this year. I am a little scared that it will stifle some of the aspects of class that I enjoy, but sometimes the kids go too far and really waste some time in the beginning, and truth be told, I find it wicked annoying to try and calm down a bunch of talking kids. So, quiet until after the completion of the writing prompt, or, no writing prompt. That's the way it will go.

Henry becomes a student this year.

This is more frightening and exciting than you could ever imagine. He is being thrown into the centrifuge of semi-adult hood. I have seen so many kids blossom and be killed by this thing. I am scared to death for Henry and also so happy to see him take this big step. It is only kindergarten, and half day at that, but it is the step. I just hope he finds good friends.

very very early

2009-08-23T05:17:00.002-04:00

Nora woke me at 4:00 this morning and I was unable to go back to sleep. I really tried too. My best trick for this is to imagine walking through the woods across the street from my parent's house. My father owns fifty acers of uninterupted woods, and I remember these woods in incredible detail, the smells, the transitions of trees, the slope and hills of the paths we created, everything. Generally, a mental walk through those woods is enough to capture my thoughts and lull me back to sleep. But not tonight. Tonight I thought of the premise of a short story that I am going to write. (its about a huge beech tree that was actually way up the hill behind my parents house. I am going to relocate it and make it a lot bigger). I even came up with a name for the story: A Convergence. So, instead of being lulled back to sleep, I am now up way too early and will write for the next couple of hours...... not a bad trade off actually.

rain and mornings

2009-08-22T07:18:00.002-04:00

I got up early today. I sleep in increments. If I can get six hours sleep and then wake up, I feel great. Also, If I get eight hours sleep and then get up I feel a tiny bit better. Anything other than those two and I feel awful. Today was a six hour day and I got up nicely before anyone in my house. I did hear Nora kind of mumble something a bit ago. Jen worked last night and she isn't home yet. I don't know why she submits herself to working at night. I did it for two years while I was in college and it really messes with your head. Or at least it did with mine. I don't think she likes it either. She will be home in about half an hour.

Its raining outside right now. I love that. I don't have anything overly special planned for today. The plumber isnt coming so I don't have to be home for that. Jen is going to sleep till about noon when she comes home. I think I will take the kids somewhere this morning. It will have to be inside I guess. Even if the rain stops the grass will probably be to wet for them to roll around in. I have to buy some school clothes, pants really. Maybe I will go to the pseudomall with the kids and let them marvel at all of the stuff they can't have...(get used to it). Actually, they don't really care about that stuff they just like running around in the mall. I have great kids. No fits about things they can't have etc.

I bought plants for my classroom this year, so I guess I will be one of those type of teachers.

its hot in here....

2009-08-20T22:00:00.002-04:00

I have two other hidden blogs. They're private. I have one that I have been writing in for two years, for Henry, and one that is a bit shorter for Nora. I plan on giving them to them when they are in their twenties. I write to them like I would write to someone my age. I love my kids. Henry is changing more everyday. He has a real noble spirit. He is so scared of everything though. Nora, is the opposite, so far, in both ways. She isn't afraid of anything at all. But man can she be sneaky and coniving. I keep hoping that it is only because she is in her two's. I really think it is. She isn't always that way. A lot of the time she is sweet and fun. But she really does have that dark side to her. I hope it doesn't show up again in her teens. We had fun today. I went swimming in one of our neighbors pools. It was a salt water pool... how cool is that!! No chlorine!.

It was nice and summery. We also have no real plans for tomorrow. I think I just want to stay home and get things done around the house. We did all sorts of things this summer... or at least more than we did last summer.

I love my kids. I love my family and I really look forward to the rest of my life with them.

Hmmm.. ok

2009-08-17T08:32:00.004-04:00

I feel like blogging again. Apparently I have had a good enough break. Its the end of summer. A couple weeks, a normal man's vacation. Then I am back to work. I can't wait. I kinda wish it was now! I have some............ IDEAS. I have done so freaking much this summer, its crazy. All the while, I am maintaining my garden. Its this back-burner calm in my mind. I can go crazy painting the bathroom, freak out cleaning the cellar, try to understand how to frame in the tub upstairs, and all the while my tomatoes are slowly growing bigger and bigger, just a little day by day. They are beautiful, heirloom, brandywines. What a beautiful word, brandywine. I have never tasted one, but supposedly they are the holy grail of tomatoes. And, I have so many of them. I also have a whole row of cilantro. I never liked cilantro until I tasted and smelled fresh cilantro. I have fresh thyme, oregano and sage. I also have butternut squash, leeks, celery, two carrots :), English cucumbers, (the only fruit that I have harvested yet) and I think that's it. Oh, radishes... tons of radishes. Its was really nice to grow all of these. My back/neck almost ended my garden this year. Oh, btw, I had my neurologist appointment two days ago. I actually ruptured a disk in my neck... that means, some of the viscous fluid in my spine, shot out into the area outside of it and put tons of pressure on the surrounding nerves. No wonder I was in pain. Also, thank God I am out of it now.

I went to my yearly physical right after the neurologist. I have a female general practitioner. I chose that on purpose because guys are so sexist. So anyway, my ekg was slightly abnormal, which means my WPW is still kinda there. I freaked out a little but she said it was the same as last year. I don't know. it isn't bothering me anymore, and I just wish it were really gone. You would have to go way into the archives of this blog to find the entry in which I was pronounced cured. She also said that it may be just the way my heart looks, it may "be your heart David." I knew that was somewhat profound when she said it and I shrugged it off. If I live the rest of my life with a slightly different ekg than the rest of the world and it doesn't really affect me, so be it. I just have to get over this one bump, (being told its still there) and I will be fine.

I put our AC unit in our window yesterday. I have a love/hate relationship with that brownish box. I am happy that it makes the house somewhat cooler. But its loud and ugly and blocks sunlight from that window. I wanted to go the whole year without it. I couldn't. It was friggen hot out yesterday!! And it will be again today so they say. I washed the front of our house today. Its nice and clean! I have never washed a house before and I didn't even know I could. But, our house was looking kind of mangy, and I looked it up online, and it was possible. So, much better now, and it wasn't even that hard. Just a brush, water, dish soap, and a long handle, how hard could that be?

Shane Couming offered me flowers in my email this morning. I don't think anybody that reads this knows him, but that is very funny. Student last year, brilliant. His father rode his bike past our house and noticed that there weren't any flowers etc in the front of our house, he was clipping his and Shane offered me the clippings. All in all, that was pretty nice, minus the embarrassment of having a noticeably barren front-of-house. My yard is a wastebasket of second rate grass. I want to have a nice yard, I just have no money to make one. There are a lot of things like that about owning a house and having no money. Well, the plumber is coming all week to install both heating and ....um... plumbing I guess, in the upstairs so we are that much closer to have livable rooms up there.

Kind of a varied post....its been a while I guess.

David Thorne is my hero!

2009-07-29T11:31:00.004-04:00

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.19pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,
Our records indicate that your account is overdue by the amount of $233.95. If you have already made this payment please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.37pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,
I do not have any money so am sending you this drawing I did of a spider instead. I value the drawing at $233.95 so trust that this settles the matter.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.07am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,
Thankyou for contacting us. Unfortunately we are unable to accept drawings as payment and your account remains in arrears of $233.95. Please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.32am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,
Can I have my drawing of a spider back then please.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.42am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear David,
You emailed the drawing to me. Do you want me to email it back to you?

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.56am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,

Yes please.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 12.14pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Attached

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 09.22am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Whose spider is that?

Dear Jane, Are you sure this drawing of a spider is the one I sent you? This spider only has seven legs and I do not feel I would have made such an elementary mistake when I drew it.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.03am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Whose spider is that?

Dear David, Yes it is the same drawing. I copied and pasted it from the email you sent me on the 8th. David your account is still overdue by the amount of $233.95. Please make this payment as soon as possible.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.05am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Automated Out of Office Response

Thankyou for contacting me. I am currently away on leave, traveling through time and will be returning last week.

Regards, David.

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.08am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Hello, I am back and have read through your emails and accept that despite missing a leg, that drawing of a spider may indeed be the one I sent you. I realise with hindsight that it is possible you rejected the drawing of a spider due to this obvious limb ommission but did not point it out in an effort to avoid hurting my feelings. As such, I am sending you a revised drawing with the correct number of legs as full payment for any amount outstanding. I trust this will bring the matter to a conclusion.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 2.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Dear David, As I have stated, we do not accept drawings in lei of money for accounts outstanding. We accept cheque, bank cheque, money order or cash. Please make a payment this week to avoid incurring any additional fees.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 3.17pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

I understand and will definately make a payment this week if I remember. As you have not accepted my second drawing as payment, please return the drawing to me as soon as possible. It was silly of me to assume I could provide you with something of completely no value whatsoever, waste your time and then attach such a large amount to it.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Tuesday 14 Oct 2008 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Attached

Back from a distance

2009-07-24T07:38:00.002-04:00

I haven't written in a while. Reading back a bit, I seem to have been on a low swing of sorts. My Birthday was great. I had two beautiful students actually come to my house with a cake for me...no kidding... crazy kids :D My wife dropped the negativity. She seemed happy with the gift she got me, a fact that meant more to me than the gift itself. Although, it certainly is a nice little Ipod touch. WE had lobster rolls and my kids were happy for me. Nice all the way around. Its funny, after writing fairly regularly for a while, its difficult to pick it back up again, because its hard to know what to write about.

My back saga continues. I am still going to physical therapy (I just went today). But I feel a thousand times better. I am going to see the Neurosurgeon in august... I love physical therapy, even though it hurts a bit. I can't believe how much better I feel.

I am reading a book right now that is kind of capturing my mind in ways that I like and dislike. I am reading a book about Jack the Ripper, by Patricia Cornwell. She spent over a million of her own dollars to solve the case of who the heck the guy was, and I think, and she thinks, that she nailed it down to this artist, Walter Sickert. It is really interesting to read, but the accounts of the murders are so freaking greusome. I don't even like to let my mind go there... dismemberment, etc... I have learned a ton about serial killers. More than I want to know, but I can't seem to stop reading it. I have also learned a ton about prostitution, both now and in the early 1800's. It is truly an awful thing.

hmm. I guess that is it for now. I am back in the swing of things.

Tomorrow's my birthday... da da da da da...

2009-07-14T22:12:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow I will be 38.

maybe....

My dating anniversary...

2009-07-13T22:03:00.000-04:00

It came and went... no mention of it... nothing. I feel a bit strange writing about this knowing that a couple former students are reading this... but If I am not honest than what am I writing about anyway.

Sometimes, many times, marriage is so hard. Today, and the past few days, have been some of those. It is always hard in the beginning of the summer because I come home and intrude on Jenny's time alone. But man, I still hate it. We both knew it was our dating anniversary. Neither of us mentioned it once. Jenny pretty much said she hated the fact that my Birthday is coming up, and she didn't really want to buy me a gift. I told her not to and she said that she didn't want to feel guilty about not buying me one later. So, life goes on right?

There are these dark areas of marriage that no one talks about that are so friggin awful. You trust your whole well being to someone, and that is no small thing, and some times its not really worth it. But, I am in it for the long run. So I just duck and move forward, hoping that tomorrow looks better than today

I don't think I could, actually

2009-07-08T22:47:00.004-04:00

Alright... fess up time. I just watched an episode of "So you Think You Can Dance." And, that is not the confession. :) I will watch that show, and it is fun to watch, I don't consider it serious dance... (and I have seen serious dance) but for what it is, it is fun to watch sometimes. Occasionally there will be a piece that strikes me as something to really think about. Here is the confession, I actually cried... not full blown cry, cry, but cried at a piece tonight. It was set to gravity, by Sara Bareilles, whom I am learning to like a lot, and was about addiction. It really moved me, the hardness of the dark figure behind this girl that struggled and gave and fell loose and rigid, something about the control, all of it seemed so genuine and dark.

I feel like that sometimes, tamed by everything around me, tied down by everything I've made. Maybe not addicted, but close, definitely out of control. I realized a few years ago that I have the capacity to not become involved in life. I am not talking about my failure to go skydiving here. I am saying that I can hide away and watch it all from a distance. I did so for years. It was during that time that I became lonely. Again, not on the surface, but way in. Even recently, I realized that I was letting everything slide away again. Not participating, smile, slide, walk away. It's like life as act I. I think that is the biggest danger I succumb to. And I do so regularly. I could live in my house, watch my kids grow old, and never leave or veer their course. Maybe not for the course of their entire lives, but for a day, sure, done that. I get so sad about it too. I fear that they are learning to do things on their own, not because they can, but because they have to. I sit and read, or use the computer, or do nothing, and they ask to me play with them (become involved with me Dad) and I don't. It actually happened in the beginning of today. I rallied after lunch, and cleaned the whole freaking house up because of it, but it was there. I don't really even know what that is. I just watch...

I hate that rigid thing that holds me here, ties me down to apathy (not apathy) uninvolvement, self centered, defensive, safe, and dying. I want so bad to let the world happen with me. To sync up with the way it turns and move with it. Like in that movie "Phenomenon" when John Travolta looks up at the trees swaying and sways with them and all of a sudden understands. I want to feel the surge of success in life... like a blood rush that feeds my decisions. I want to make decisions and not react. Yeah, to not react, but to move when it moves. That is what I want. I can think it, like a cool breeze, but I have never done it... too worried...too scared of failure. I am not talking about quitting my job, running naked through the streets of Rutland here. I am just talking about not being afraid, not second guessing everything, not being a slave to my finances and afraid to try something else as well.

I feel like I am holding on to a quickly spinning world for dear life sometimes.... most times... and my hands are sore, and my eyes are closed, but I will not let go.

Back in class

2009-07-07T22:36:00.002-04:00

I had my first class of photography tonight. It was at the art museum. It was interesting and not so much at times. The most interesting aspect was the other people there with me... We were a very varied bunch of individuals. I sat next to a very introspective, non-verbal comic illustrator that didn't answer the prof's questions when asked except to reply that he drew comics. Next to him was a very old, bespectacled man in a three piece suit that worked somehow for the state. Next to him was a kind of bubbly sophomore in high school that was interested in starting a candle company online. Other people included another comic book creator that said two thing all night: "Hi", and "Do you want to see something creepy." He said both of those things to the professor who, to her own credit, took them in stride, and a couple of housewives.

The class itself was a mixture of things I already knew and things that are going to be incredibly useful to me. The class is on photoshop elements. I think I am going to like it, I just have to walk around a bit more than anyone else due to the pain in my shoulder. It is going away, just not entirely gone yet. I get to go see a neurosurgeon in August. I hope he tells me to go away. My back is getting better... he should.

I bought some really nice scallops today to cook tomorrow, almost ensuring that tomorrow is going to be a blue ribbon day!

in her fullness

2009-07-07T00:10:00.003-04:00

I thought I would write about her today. She is 2 and is really 2. Here is what today was like with her, or as much as I can remember about it. She began the day by waking up at 8:00 and calling my name. I asked her if she wanted to get out, she grabbed her blanky, her baby, and the book she was looking at and stood up for me to take her out. I did and brought her into the living room. She has been doing this wonderful thing lately. She will spontaneously come up and scream "Daddy" and hug my leg. She also pulls on my hand till I bring it low enough for her to kiss and then she does so. That later bit developed during my whole hurt shoulder/back thing.

She turned on the tv, the stereo, switched the input on the tv to tv and followed that by asking for a show. I said no tv. Then she threw an earth shattering fit, screamed "MY TV!" and wound up being punished in the pack and play. And that is pretty much how the whole day is for Nora. She exists in two realities. One is the sweetest, cuddliest, big-eyed, big hug world, and the other makes me want to lock her in her closet all day long and take her out when it is time for bed. She hits Henry, tried to bite me today, she threw a piece of race track at Henry, threw her food off of the table, let the cats outside, sat on the cat until it yelped (do cats yelp) and ran, bent the antenna on a portable radio I have... this is today... and the list goes on. But, in between the fits of rage, she is so loving and sweet. I have to tell Henry over and over again that she doesn't fully know what she is doing.

Recently, when I was changing her, she said distinctly, " I have a big ass." and then she repeated it twice more. I was freaking out!! She said it almost every time we changed her for a couple of weeks. Jen started accusing me of telling her that! I couldn't figure out how on earth she would have heard that! It finally took Henry to tell me that she was saying "I have a big rash." And that is parenthood for you... sweet and sour and fraught with danger.

4th and finished

2009-07-06T08:35:00.002-04:00

Well, independence has past, back to sublimiation. :) I photo'd and taped the weekend with the express purpose of making a movie to record it all. It was lots of fun, however, the beginning, during the fireworks, is pretty much just black. It is kind of annoying but not really because you get to hear Henry and Carter discussing fireworks. My little editing program lets me post things right to youtube... maybe I will try that..... right....now....

Well that was pointless. You tube only allows movies of less than ten minutes I guess. Wait.... maybe I could cut some stuff out of it...the dark parts...

Must

Try

Forget it.... I would have to cut out too many good parts.... Any way I got our B-B-Q in there and the parade and the fireworks. Henry and Nora walked away from the parade with more candy than I thought possible. Yesterday we went to Church, then out with friends to supper. Nice day... There is nothing planned for today. Jenny isn't working, obviously I am doing a big nothing, and its sunny out. All of the ingrediants for niceness, a big empty pitcher. It is almost 9:00 in the morning and we are making decisions about what to do today. Ideas= Old Sturbridge Village (Henry had new love for horse rides), the beach... hmm... must go for now.

I can feel it... I CAN FEEL IT!!

2009-07-04T23:29:00.003-04:00

My strength returned in my arm today... I feel like Sampson or something. This is going to be short and sweet. I still was achey a bit, but I am starting to feel a whole lot better...

Today was a good day.

elbows, fingers and short women

2009-07-03T23:48:00.003-04:00

I went back to the physical therapist today. I was over half an hour early... I have no idea how that happened. It was like I went through some hole in the time space continuum and got there in five minutes... at any rate. I watched a bit of tennis, which I actually really love, and then this tiny, blond woman came over and told me that she was going to be working with me today. She also told me her name, and I almost remembered it. So, she made me lie down on a heating pad, and that was really nice. Then she massaged my back. That started out really really nice. I have never had anyone that knew what they were doing do anything like that. It was so good in the beginning. Then things got bad. she started pressing really hard around my shoulder blades. And, then I felt what I thought was her superhumanly strong hands digging in under them. I just couldn't figure out how she could even have the power to do this!! I realized that she was working her elbow around my back. She described the feeling as intense. I describe the feeling as searing pain. At one point I had a muscle spasm that made my hand clench into a fist. At this, she giggled... GIGGLED... and said "Ooo a muscle spasm...we will have to work that out later." Then she proceeded to tell me that she was a certified massage therapist and was planning on working in some deep tissue massage into my nice calm regiment of physical therapy. Next time I am going to ask her where she keeps all the black leather stuff and chains...

Then I had traction. I am really hoping that this is working. I think it might be. Which is really exciting.

I went to the fireworks tonight. They were great.. even greater than that is the fact that Jenny seems to be making a new friend. She really needed someone other than me... preferably a girl. So, I was happy to go with their family. They have kids our kids age and she is a nurse... It is nice to see that happening. Henry loved the fireworks and Nora held her hands over her ears but didn't cry at all. :)

kill the messanger

2009-07-03T08:04:00.003-04:00

So, I got a phone call today from some guy that I have never talked to before. He was from my doctor's office I guess. My Doctor's office is the most messed up place in the universe. I have no idea why my doctor, who is really good, chooses to reside there. So anyway, some guy told me that I have two bulging discs in my neck. How bad? What does that mean? Is it getting better or worse? ANY FREAKING OTHER QUESTION YOU CAN THINK OF?? No answer. "I can just read to you the note that your doctor left on their report." And, he referred me to a neurosurgeon. The one question he answered is that that doesn't necessarily mean that I am going to have surgery. They just want me to go and talk to a surgeon and he will be nice enough to make that appointment for me at UMass.

So, here is my hope: I go to the man who does operations on spines for a living and he says, I don't want to do my job on you because you don't need me. It would be like going to the gas station and the attendant looking at your car and saying, "Just keep going, you're all set without me." I really do hope this though. I was left hanging by my crappy doctor's office so I did the next best thing... I got on the Internet. It seems, from the 50 or so sites that I perused, that the most common treatment for this is not surgery but traction and stabilization with the purpose of relieving pain, with the addition of some medicines while the pain goes. Once the pain is gone the rest comes with time.

I have had the traction, and it was actually kind of nice, minus the weirdness of have some one put my head in a small padded machine and attempt to pull it out of my body slightly. I had visions of giant machines with wires attached to ropes and pulleys and guys in big casts with legs elevated. But the thing comes in a little cinched bag and is inflated with air. Really, it was kind of nice. I got to lay down for like fifteen minutes while this thing alleviated any sort of pain in my shoulder and arm. The pain in my arm comes and goes now and is very rarely severe. I slept through the night last night and woke this morning to just a little stiffness. All in all, pretty ok. I just want that surgeon to say the same...

survivorman....I am not...

2009-07-02T03:38:00.002-04:00

If surviving means sleeping, than I failed... 3:38. This was a lot of fun. Hm.... how to account for this... I started out by turning out the lights, and playing these nature/night sounds I downloaded from itunes. They were great, primarily crickets. Nora wouldn't stop talking. She kept saying "Carrots are for rabbits.... and Henry would laugh and she would say it again... this happened for literally half an hour. I tried to sleep on the floor but my back was starting to hurt so I went to bed. I heard Nora say that she wanted to sleep with "Daddy." So, in she came. She got up in my bed for two minutes then wanted to sleep in the tent. She went back to the tent and said she wanted to sleep with me again and came back to my bed. The she went back to the tent. This whole thing repeated itself a few times. I finally went back to the tent because I knew that is what she really wanted. I stayed there until everyone fell asleep, turned off the crickets, and then went back to bed. I kinda thought that I would sleep through the night tonight... but it wasn't to be I guess.

I love my family...they are going to be, and are being, the best part of my life.

outside inside

2009-07-01T21:04:00.002-04:00

Right now I am staring at a tent... fully set up in my living room. The kids are getting ready for an indoor campout...campin... idk but it is serious. We made smores and ate chicken on sticks we are going to go to sleep to the sounds of the night brought to use kindly by itunes.

I don't know how I could possibly survive this... ;)

words and weather

2009-06-30T06:16:00.002-04:00

I slept through the night last night. I think I went to bed before 11 and got up a tiny bit after 6. That is a whole night's sleep my friends!! So, I am supposed to go camping today. But, there are a couple things that are preventing that from happening. 1. my back might die completely sleeping on the ground. 2. It is supposed to rain for eternity. So, no camping. Even though this is the thing that I won in a photo contest. I do however want to get a pamphlet because the army core of engineers put my picture on it's cover.

Jonathan is coming over to chat about poetry this morning. I can't begin to describe how exciting that is. First, he is sincere. Second, he knows very little. Third, its just poetry, no grammar lessons, no getting ready for high school, no eighth grade tension. He is an adult!!! I am really happy to explore this with him. He really wants to write, and is actively writing. I have decided that I will give him a new "assignment" every week and will do the assignment as well. So, I will post the result here.

Poetry really is, for me, the zenith of writing. Good poetry is amazing, and writing good poetry, though nearly impossible, is even more amazing. I have to go into school today to get a couple of things before he comes over. I think that 90 percent of the reason that people like music these days is because they like poetry. They don't know it, but those lyrics are really poems.

It struck me recently that popular music, within the last 100 years, is really derivative of opera. Before that there were really only two types of music. Opera (with people singing to the music) and everything else (that didn't contain people singing at all). I guess there were choruses, but they had tons of people singing the melody. The melody in today's popular music is carried by instruments and the voice plays around the melody = opera. How weird is that?

less is more? no... just less

2009-06-29T04:36:00.002-04:00

Well, I tried to take less medicine before bed last night and here I am, up at ungodly hours in the morning. I laid on my side yesterday and took a nap for a couple of hours. When I woke up, almost all of the numbness had gone from my hand. But it instantly came back when I stood. I go to see a Physical Therapist today. I am a little afraid that this person is going to screw me up worse than I am now. We'll see.

I signed up for the first of a slew of photography courses yesterday. I intend to take as many as I can throughout the next school year. Then, I will head out for another masters. This time in English. So, school officially starts again on July 7th. I can't wait. I love good classes... I hope this is going to be one of them. I took it through the art museum. I was happy to see that the instructor is a professor, http://www.full-circle-designs.com/profile.html at Ithica College.

It is dark in here, and quiet. the refridgerator is buzzing and my computer is making little counter-melodies and that is it. 4:46. I want to go back to bed at 5:30 when the pain will stop but it will be light out then and I know that I will also want to stay up. I could get a few hours of sleep in then though...

after the deluge

2009-06-26T21:38:00.006-04:00

So, that is done. And as promised, I want to write about some of the aspects of this year that were kind of amazing... at least to me. I am not sure when I started to like this year. It seemed fairly normal, nice, normal but then maybe three quarters of the way through it kind of took on new life. I think it had something to do with the challenge of the low MCAS scores in Rutland.

First, let me say that I hate the MCAS. And this year I really proved why. I can't discuss the results of the test except to say that we did well.

First: MCAS is inconsistent because it not only judges the students' ability to a degree, but also, and more so, the students willingness to take the test and complete it. In Rutland, for some reason, the moral surrounding the test was low. The chief thing that I changed this year was to attack that low moral. I pit my rapport with my students against their apathy regarding the stupid MCAS. It was that change that may have changed everything.

STOP... I just realized I was boring myself...

1. I am not an old Italian man that talks to themselves till they ramble on in complete incoherence.

2. I don't want to write about MCAS.... or anything of that awful genre.

3. School is done.

4. School is done.

So, here is a very small visual account of my first day of summer.

And I had an MRI... which was incredibly loud, incredibly tight, and incredibly, I fell asleep during it.

when all things are equal.....run

2009-06-25T06:26:00.004-04:00

Today this blog equalled the length of my other largest blog. And that one is just writing prompts. So, that is serious. Yup... serious... .. .. ... no, its not.

I found out that I don't have to get injected with dye for my MRI this Saturday morning at 7:30! That is one of the happier things ever because that means no injections and it means I am that many steps away from being one of those animals all pumped full of formaldehyde.

I am going to say goodbye to a bunch of very sad eighth graders today. Its funny, I think we (8th graders and I) know on some level that this graduation is kinda silly. But still, I find it meaningful and they do too. It is sad to see people that I have got to know and like leave, with all likelihood, forever. But it is also kind of neat to have a ceremony to mark the occasion. What I am not looking forward to is trying to make my back sit nicely in one of those seats for a while. If my back is bad, I have no idea if I am going to be able to do that. So, I might be some strange walking around teacher at graduation. Thank God Central Tree doesn't televise it like MTV did.

This has been kind of an amazing year for me. But I think I will save those thoughts for my next post... it has though.

a place for everything

2009-06-23T20:05:00.004-04:00

I am done. I have finished all of my papers. I still woke up at 5:00 today. So here is a new one.... my leg is turning numb. Just when I am laying down. What the heck!!!!! This is the weirdest thing ever. The pain is getting less and I was starting to feel a bit comfortable with everything until I am better, but now this new bit is throwing me a bit. I hate these kind of things. I had an MRI scheduled for this Thursday but I have graduation so I will have to put it off a bit. I just want to be past this whole thing...

So anyway, yes I am done, almost entirely done with school. Two more days and summer starts. I will be camping for a couple of days and then the fourth of july will be here. (I love the 4th in Rutland). Jenny is massively depressed about our finances. We just found out that our house has devaluated so much since we built it that we can't afford a fixed mortgage. Also, we can't afford to finish the upstairs. This sucks so bad. It is really disheartening. I was pretty sad about it also. We need twelve thousand dollars to finish the upstairs. I thought we would just be able to have our house estimated for a finished upstairs and then get a construction loan and finish it. Because of the freaking economy, our house has decreased in value so much in the two years since we built it that the bank will only offer us two thousand dollars.

Yes, I am happy to be a teacher. I want to blow up the whole freaking world when I think about how little I make as a teacher. I hate it.

I really hate it.

wish granted

2009-06-23T02:37:00.006-04:00

I woke at 2:30.... The problem is, I was counting on waking at 5:00 to get my grades in at school... so, I now am stuck with setting my alarm at 6:00 to have enough time to get my grades in. But, I read everyone's blogs and it was nice. They are such nice windows in to everyone's days. It is rough getting to know people and then representing some part of their past that they grow beyond so they just keep moving on. I reiterate... I have the strangest job. This picture was in my work folder on my desktop ... so here ya go.

I am going to bed again...

Papers = past

2009-06-22T20:22:00.005-04:00

So.... that's over... kind of. I have a bunch of grades to enter tomorrow, early in the morning, before anyone sane will be up. I really fell behind this year. I hate that. But, done now. And, it was really good year this year. Here is what I liked.

1. I really really like tackling one new style of poetry a month and making it an overarching assignment. This month we did Sestinas, Shakespearean Sonnets, "Place" poems, Villanelles, Concrete poems (adult versions with conflicting images), Complex rhyme scheme poems (steph's poems), metaphor poems, and a couple of others I can't remember.

2. I really like my first assignment: Go to the Old Rutland Burial Ground and pick out a stone. Do some research about the person buried there. Read some nonfictional pieces and then a fictional piece, all the time winding up to writing a student created historical fiction piece. (This year I will get them put up in the library.)

3. Writing Prompts of course... These work on so many levels. They break through the doldrum of the student's day. They get them situated in class. They work as a means for breaking down social walls between students. They develop a students individual voice. They are not graded (Thank God), so they are a safe place for a student to play with writing. (never found in school). They are also a time for a student's mind to wander where it will (something mine certainly did in school).

4. Horror story unit. I love this unit. Next year I want to develop it a bit further. I want to have a selection of novels that we can read through individually or possibly read Dracula as a class. I love the student created movies!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EqioCv1QEco

5. I think I did a good job on the stupid MCAS thinger... ( I actually know I did but I can't say anything about that yet)

6. Research paper... I don't know... should I do it again? is it worth it? It is the reason I got so backed up in correcting yet again. I hate correcting it... and teaching it kinda, but I think it is a good experience.

The rest... I am up for rethinking.

It is a lot of fun to be able to reform everything from year to year. For example, former student, Kylekate just graduated from NYC and now is a Pro Drama Coach. She just volunteered to come in sometime next year so I might want to focus on some dramatic pieces. I taught A Midsummer Nights Dream at Mountview and had some serious fun with that. Also, my friend Stephen Cass is the Senior Editor of a Magazine and has volunteered to come in and talk... so something along those lines might be nice as well. "Who knows" is what I mean... Who knows!! That is the fun in it.

My time is slipping

2009-06-22T06:03:00.003-04:00

I am not waking up at night anymore. 5:00 seems the new time. I can't believe I am sad to see it go. I think that time was unique. I was simply waiting... nothing to do... just wait to feel better. It was solely given to writing in this blog. 5 means that I can get ready for the day. It's light out too. We don't watch a lot of tv in this house anyway, but I think that I am going to nix all tv after supper. Jen won't mind, except for Friday nights when "What Not to Wear" is on. It is amazing how much she likes that show. I think she just likes to watch people who can afford new clothes (curse you government for paying teachers so little). My shows aren't playing right now anyway. I watch Lost and Supernatural... also, Ghost Hunters is a nice little break from whatever I am doing. Supernatural is ricidulous. It is a mix of absolute cheese and really thoughtful writing with a little horror stuck in. I REALLY like it. Plus it has taken on a cult feeling that is kind of priceless. Best episode yet: The Monster at The End of This Book. Two protgaonists, Sam and Dean, are walking through a comic book store (cool in itself) and find a series af cheesy books that are mapping out their life. So they hunt down the author after talking to a diehard fan of the series that doesn't trust them to be true fans... hillarious. When they find him, they think he is psychic and try to "convince" him to stop tapping into their lives for fear that hell will use it somehow, but when they get forceful with him, he turns out to be a Prophet and is protected by archangles. He is writing the gospel of their lives and is therefore untouchable.

The writing was so good and self-deprecating. love that...

Ok I have blown off correcting these last few papers long enough...

I can taste it

2009-06-20T21:41:00.003-04:00

Summer is a week, and one large pile of papers away. I can taste it. Henry's anticipation of me being home is building. He keeps asking me what we are going to do together. He is going through one of his cute phases too!! I can tell you, being a father is really hard, especially in the beginning for me. I had the hardest time adjusting to everything. But it is so worth it. When I see his face light up because he sees me... and its me he's seeing... and he gets excited to be with me, there is nothing better than that. It is worth the low pay to have the summer off with them. Nora has been kissing my hand lately and saying "hurt shoulder." It is the best feeling I have known to be with my kids. I am going to die if they hate me in their teen years. I don't know what I will do. I can't picture them hating me... maybe when I have to say no to things, but they will always know that I love them under all of that. I am sure. I always knew with my parents... but man, I gave them a run for their money, and I did screw things up pretty bad... even to this day to some degree. I love them though and I know that they know that.

One week and I will be, according to Henry, going to caves that have boats in them, going camping, going to Chucky Cheese lol, and going exploring. I am looking forward to just having time to spend luxuriosly doing nothing with Henry and Nora... more so Henry because Nora is still so frantic. She is three and in full swing. But Henry is starting to slow down some and take time to talk. I love that.... He gets this look when he talks to me about doing things together... this... wistfull, expectant look. I can't believe I get to spend my life with these two kids.

good news...no news...bad news...

2009-06-19T19:21:00.002-04:00

I just came back from said doctor's office. She is really nice. I used her hand sanitizer. In her niceness she told me that she wanted to make sure that i was ok... and that I don't have any permanent damage from begin weak and numb. So, that was nice. But, I have to have an MRI... which I held on to for hope of not getting an injection, the bane of my existance, and it turns out that they have to inject die into me for that. Oh well... the X-ray came back kind of good: a tiny bit of bone spur on c5-6 but not bad. I also have to have some sort of electric thing that locates the nerve that is being affected... somehow, even though its not invasive, I think it might hurt a bit... I have this vague memory of someone telling me that it is awful. I can handle awful though... just not invasive. I might be pinching my nerve somewhere in my shoulder or in my arm.. and they want to find out where it is.

By the way... here is one of my pet peeves that could be offensive to people... I don't like it when people dissasociate themselves from parts of their body when they have a problem. They say things like "The arm" instead of "my arm" etc... I even find that I have this pet peeve somewhat offensive given that I don't have any life threatening thing that I am aware of and if I did who knows what I would be calling it/me.

My finger is still numb by the way... but I went a good part of the day without taking any medicine... That was nice... It is going to rain on father's day.... which isn't so nice given that Jenny planned a nice thing for me outside (I don't know what it is yet). If it can't happen in the rain, reading is always nice when it rains... but I can't sit for long. grr go away weird shoulder thing!!!!!!

Quoting rabbits..

2009-06-18T04:28:00.002-04:00

I go to visit the doctor tomorrow. I am afraid that she is going to tell me something awful. I used to have a seriously hard time with medical stuff. I really do verge on hypochondria. I have this view of life that is wrong, I think... I see it as so fragile, litterally every time I am sick, part of me worries that it is something beyond what is presenting itself. I feel like my life is just balancing and that something is going to come along and just knock everything to the ground. So, the doctor didn't want to leave information over the phone. So, I am worried that this neck thing is something other than what I have had to look up online.

A long time ago.. when I was young, I remember going to the doctor... doctor Miller... and just dying about everything. He called me a worrywort. That was his term. I would cry when he took out the toung depressor. I would literally ball when I had to get a shot. What was I afraid of. I think it has something to do with being invaded. I have this life, and I want so badly to enjoy it, and I don't want anything to come and knock it over.

I was thinking today that I didn't want to die soon because I don't want Henry to have to grow up without me. It sounds dramatic, but it isn't in my head. It's real. I used to think that I wouldn't live past 30... if I could just make it to thirty than I would be ok. It is awful to feel this kind of thing threatening my life. I don't want it to be.

When I was 14 I found a tumor in my back near my spine. I could feel it with my fingers, a bump, under my skin, just sitting there. It took me years to go to the doctor to have him tell me it was nothing.. just a bump. ( I have a few of those now) But I lived in fear that I had some awful cancer eating away at me. Why am I like this. So, now, I still am numb and my shoulder and back do still hurt. All of this is slowly receeding though, and I am deeply afraid that that doctor is going to tell me some life threatening thing and I will have to look at my children in a time lapse kind of way. I just need to give this up. I need to let God take all of it and just relax. Sometimes I can. I want to now...

I am going to Boston today with the 8th graders. It should be a fun trip...I hope my back deosn't bother me.

Politicians

2009-06-17T23:15:00.002-04:00

I do not in any way like or trust politicians. Teaching, is oddly involved in this. Its not really teaching, it is more like Administration. I went to a meeting today and heard my Big Boss... tell me everything that I wanted to hear. I left thinking that I had actually heard absolutely nothing. I have no faith in politicians... nor do I have faith in the system in any way. I want to have faith in our new president. I did for a while... but I think that the system is so corrupt that I just can't. I have faith in my interaction with individual people. I have to think about what to write about this....maybe if I wake up tonight.... if.

(yay)

2009-06-17T06:50:00.000-04:00

I slept through the night today!

its coming back... I think

2009-06-16T03:43:00.000-04:00

I just woke up and Phoebe was apparently still up, she just wrote in her blog. Will my kids stay up this late? I think I am getting feeling back in my finger!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is definately still a bit numb but I think its less!!!!! Also, yes, I am still up, but the pain is not that bad right now. I think this is slipping. Oh Jesus, let this be slipping.

Hmm... lets talk about significant things... shall we. I think my new church is changing things in my life for the better. I went to a huge church for a while. Heritage Bible Chapel. It is big and evangelical and was fun. I played drums with musicians that had recorded serious cds and had been a part of rock bands for years. John Veto was the singular best musician that I have ever worked with and Kirsten Locke is something of a legend in folk music. And, they liked me. They liked my style and we had some serious fun. I do miss that a lot. I miss the practice and the learning that they provided. Hm... what else do I miss? I miss the invisibility given by being part of something that doesn't really notice you. I could sit and read a book during service... even a book that pop Christianity would hate, like Harry Potter, that I would take specifically into church to piss people off. (We could have a conversation about that for a long time) And still I could remain undisturbed.

So now, I am in a tiny little church that has just started. Cana Community Church, and, I am in no way invisible anymore. I don't play music anymore either. But, my new church is something that my old one couldn't touch... it is... a thinking person's church. It would embrace Harry Potter. We are watching the "Jesus Camp" movie at bible study tomorrow. This is a movie that was meant to cut evangelical Christianity to pieces. I hope it does. And my new church would love that cutting... would love the pruning. It is apologetic for all of the stupidity poored out of the Christian Church.... it doesn't hate gay people!! It would welcome them in without embarassment.. In short, it is matching me, thought for thought with what I thought about Christianity. Actually even more than that... its pushing me to rethink things.

Last Sunday, Dave (new pastor) said that all of these people claim to be Christians by ascribing to certain rules and practices and completely miss the central claim of Christ. Which is to love others as yourself. How can they call themselves Christians when they are not being Christians. He also stated that he can't even love his own family. Let me say that again, because it hurts, because it is true. He can't even love his own family.

The more I understand Christ's love, the more I understand how foriegn it is to what I do. I do love my family, but to be sacrificially loving it the way that I could be. To be that unselfish to them. I am not there. Christ called us all to be that unselfish with everyone we meet. WHAT!!! And I can not even understand how to do that. But that is what this new church is doing that the other one wasn't. The other was a fun club to be a part of. This one is pushing me past the definition, past the title. And, I am starting to understand why Christianity at large needs to be very embarrased by what it has become.

I, for one, am starting that apology.

back in black

2009-06-15T03:35:00.002-04:00

3:30 But its ok. Its funny, I woke up 12 minutes ago and came out to get my medicine, and I was happy about it. It's odd, this midnight waking. In some ways, when I am better, I am going to miss it. It's just me and the light from this computer, and the hum of the refridgerator. Everyone here is soundly asleep. And I have this black hour.

I wake in the dark and remember
it is the morning when I must start
by myself on the journey
I lie listening to the black hour
before dawn and you are
still asleep beside me while
around us the trees full of night lean
hushed in their dream that bears
us up asleep and awake then I hear
drops falling one by one into
the sightless leaves and I
do not know when they began but
all at once there is no sound but rain
and the stream below us roaring
away into the rushing darkness.

That is Rain Travel by W. S. Merwin. It's one of my favorites. The trees here are full of night. My living room is and it's just barely being held at bay by the light from this computer and the yellow-green numbers on my cable box.

Today I decided to love Jenny even if she is pissy. (It was a big decision, I hope I can keep up with it).

5:00

2009-06-14T05:33:00.002-04:00

Does 5:00 count as a whole night?? I think so!! That would be 10:30ish to 5:00.... YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel almost rested even! Some bad news though, I left Henry's window open in the car last night... so I am sure that his chair is soaked through... This reall does suck...omg, the papers were on the floor of his seat. I need to go and check them. hold on... Yup... soaked. Only about five of them are really bad though. great. fine... thats it.

3:15

2009-06-13T03:40:00.002-04:00

Ok, so call it a set back... 3:15. I was going to take two vicotin tonight, but I was too scared. It is the recommended dosage but I have never taken it and I was afraid that it would slow my heart beat down to nothing... probably dumb but whatever.

I received news today from the doctor and I have no idea what to make of it. I have arthritis in my neck... What the hell is that!! I am glad that it isn't some tumor or something equally as awful, but arthritis is causing this, this up at 2, 3, 4 in the morning? I asked how to treat it and the lady (some girl named Michelle who isn't a doctor and in face I have no idea who she is because she only introduces herself on the phone as "Michelle") told me she would have to look into that and call me back. And here I am, up at 3:15 debating whether or not to take one or two vicotin so I can manage going back to sleep. I am going to look it up online... which I know could lead to all sort of misinformation. But hey, Michelle will probably never get back to me and I have to have some sort of idea, dont I?

I have tons... TONS of correcting to do. I want to get most of it done this weekend. This might entail going off to the library and forcing myself to do it in one big chunk. Jenny is working a bit tomorrow but that is it I think.

I pulled the first radish out of my garden today. It was amazing. Bright cherry red and beautiful. I didn't even wash it off, just thoroughly rubbed all of the dirt off and broke it in half to give jenny half. It was bright white inside and tasted smooth and buttery with a peppery aftertaste. Things that you buy in the supermarket do not taste anything like that beauty that comes out of my garden... not even close.

4:30 But it doesn't count

2009-06-12T04:38:00.002-04:00

It doesn't count because I was also up for a tiny bit at 2:00. Still, not bad. My shoulder doesn't hurt as much as it used too. It still does hurt though, even right now it hurts. So, I am again waiting for the meds to kick in. This time I took two muscle relaxers and 4 motrin. So,I think that should help. I wonder if I will write in this blog when I finally sleep through the whole night again. I wonder if I will ever sleep through the whole night again.... it has been a while now.

You know what is weird? Reading about your job in the newspaper every week. Reading about peoples' animosity toward, and support of you in the same little article. It is like I am stuck right in the middle of a war that I have very little, personally to do with. The district had a school meeting that hundreds of people went to. the district is doing very bad things... they are eliminating art, music and gym from all of the elemetary schools. I am pissed about it. I really am. But, the towns refuse to fund the schools. It seems like they always have. So, what is the school supposed to do. I just feel like it is such a stupid argument. If you wan't those things in school, you are going to have to pay to have them. I just think that the idea that people have to pay teachers is repellent to most people and they think that we have to work for free. It is the same with police and town workers. People like to pretend that money just appears for those services. I am so upset that Henry may not get music and art in school. I am going to have to put him in classes outside of what school offers... which is a niche market right now by the way, if you want to make some money, make an after school program that teaches art and music for an hour...

One lady at the meeting delcared that the country is in a depression and that the teachers should feel the weight of that. OK... I understand her sentiment, but it isn't thought through very well. What I do is mandatory. Its not like a company that sells things and then can't sell as much because we are in a depression. There are still going to be kids coming to school in the middle of the depression, and in Rutland, that number is growing dramatically every year. Its like the trash guys, if you lay off the trash guys because there is a depression, all you get is more trash stinking up your yard. So, all you are really doing is changing the kind of education the kids recieve. And I hate the way that is changing. The teachers all voted to not recieve any raises next year...a thing that I voted for even though I am poor. I think that was a pretty big give on my part. It was actually huge but no one understands that.

There are also people that are supporters of education and they are passionate about that too. and in between all of this is me. And all I want to do is teach kids how to write better, and to be payed well for doing that in an environment that is good for it. It is a war that is going on. The school has no money and I keep reading the same sentence over and over.... "This is only the beginning."

3:46

2009-06-11T03:57:00.004-04:00

This the latest I have slept in weeks!! It feels great! My shoulder is sore right now, but I have hope, and that is good. Wait, I found a cool picture.... hold on...

Its funny, I saw this yesterday and I thought, cool picture, but I had no idea it was applying to me. I could go into why its so fitting, but why ruin it. I am waiting until the vicotin numbs me enough to go back to bed, and I am hoping to sleep from say....4:30 to 7:00. That would be nice!!

Here are things that I must do.

Start consistantly doing the bills on Sundays... Jenny really doesn't want to do this anymore.

Correct all of the rest of the research papers this weekend. Even though its going to kill my hand.

Get into a cool photography class this summer.

Make certain my plans for another Masters at Clark the year after this coming one.

Tell Erik the list of failing kids by this Friday.

Play constructively with both kids more often.

Create a schedule for learning time with Henry that Jen can follow. (maybe I will do that now)

That's all I can think of right now... not bad really.

Oh, find more five college dance videos on You tube.... (they are so SO good)

signs of life

2009-06-10T21:34:00.001-04:00

My hand tingles just now... I can't help but think that that is a good thing.... just thought I would write that down :)

Something old something new

2009-06-10T06:13:00.002-04:00

Well, I almost slept through the night last night. I woke up at 2 again, and I took a vicotin and two motrin and a shower. Then I forced myself to lie down even though my shoulder hurt so bad. It still hurts right now.

I went to the hospital yesterday to have xrays. It was actually kind of fun. I liked being positioned by the tech and told to hold my breath. That tech was actually a really cool guy. He was an ex-construction worker, and he still spoke like one. He kept calling me "brother." "Alright brother, your gonna have to turn a little bit to the right now." He also kept forgetting which shoulder he should be xraying. When I pointed it out the first time, he quickly told me that he "used to do construction before this" and that he "didn't know what the hell he was doing." WOW a human in a hospital!! I didn't think that happened. There were actually two techs and the first one was what I would have expected: Zero affect, nondescript face, most likely gay. I was happy when he left, and I think the construction worker was as well.

My aunt Pauline was working at the hospital, in radiatioin, as well. She is so great. She has this demeanor that is so her and she is constant in it. It was nice to see her. She reminded me that I look a lot like my uncle Bruce that died a couple years ago. I do look like him... I wish a little less in the fat department... But I do. Hm.. another thing: Whenever I go to Gardner, which I did for the xrays, I realize that everyone kinda looks alike. I once told someone at college that they were from Gardner and I had no idea who they even were, and I was right. They all look alike... and, a little bit like me. Which I hate. Because I am not a fan of Gardner. I had a prof once describe Gardner as the armpit of Massachusetts. I completely agree. So, it is always a strange experience for me to go there. My whole family practically works in that hospital.

At any rate, I am going to find out the results of all of those xrays today hopefully. I went online and typed in the symptoms that I am having with my back (something that you should never do) and got all of the responses of herniated disks. I really pray that it is nothing like that. I just want feeling back in my finger and the constant pain to go away.

At Bible Study, two weeks ago, I asked why we should even pray to God for healing, because it doesn't seem like He heals us anyway. In my heart, I knew that I didn't totally agree with what I had said, Henry's lead poisoning was a pretty miraculous and I know that all good comes from Him. And now, I am in the exact position that I was describing, to some degree. I have pain that won't go away.

I do pray that He will take it away and that I won't have to have some awful surgery. I do believe in God and that He is active down here. So, what am I learning from this.... I have no idea right now. All I know, is that I ask for this to end and it hasn't yet. I am getting through it, but I am worried that this will be some thing that I have to suffer with for a long time.

That would be pretty awful.

I think.

notes from the twighlight

2009-06-09T02:37:00.008-04:00

up at 2:20 again... tried to go right back to sleep after taking vicotin but arm hurt like a............. so to quote the great David Coverdale, "Here I go again".... :)

SingingFool.com - Whitesnake - Here I Go Again - Music Video

Shared via AddThis

ahh.... the 80's lol

Big and little

2009-06-08T19:59:00.002-04:00

So, there is joy withing the sorrow, pleasure in the pain. Isn't this always the way it is. In "The Giver" the author says they are inseperable. I don't think that's true. My shoulder is aching and I am happy to be home with my kids. I am happy to see summer coming on like some mirage on the wavering horizon, and I won't be recieving a raise next year, and my health insurance may be up 30 percent which means I will make significantly less than I made last year... and I am poor right now. But summer is two weeks away.

:) Henry and Nora, as big as they are in my life. That little bit of blue between them is what is left of my freedom... and I would gladly see it vanish. There it goes, and I go down slipping into bondage, smiling, because I love them, and they smile back, and crowd out every bit of who I am without them.

I do love them both! They are in bed now. Henry is yelling across the room to Nora. I have no idea what about but I bet it is about some sort of joke that I wouldn't understand. Henry says that he is much funnier than I am, and he gets all offended when I say he isn't. I say that he makes jokes that don't make sense, and he says that I make jokes that he can't understand... same thing. I love them both. Nora is talking so much now... she and Henry are finally carrying on convesations. I have waited for them to be able to do this for a long time. They generally talk about scaring eachother or whether a food is yucky or not. It is really nice.

(2 more days of vicotin left)

I need it.. I think

2009-06-07T17:01:00.003-04:00

I am wondering if I am becoming addicted to vicotin. I feel like I need one whenever my shoulder starts acting up. I think it is the looming threat of pain that drives me there. I do feel pretty pain free when I take one, for about three hours. Today, my shoulder started aching and I went for one, but I stopped myself and decided to just put up with the pain, just to show myself that I could go without one. Also, my prescription is running a bit low and I doubt they are going to give me more. Which brings up the next question, and a big fear of mine: When is this stupid pain and weakness going to go away? Also, what the heck is causing this? It came on so strangely, in the middle of the night, and it seems to be in one place in my arm and then another. My pointer finger of my right hand is partially numb, as is the top of my hand right before it.

I am starting to have those doubts, like, this isn't a pulled muscle or a pinched nerve. Like maybe it is something more sinister. It isn't surprising that I am thinking along these lines, I seem to gravitate there more time than not. But, it has been about two weeks now. I am better than when I started, but it is like a different thing now. Before, the pain was in my back behind my shoulder blade, now it is in my forearm and under my arm...plus the numbness. I went most of the day yesterday and today without pain medicine. The worst is when I wake up. It is awful and achey.----------------

Well I woke up. I started this at around 6ish... then I went to bed. Its 2:20 now and I have been up for a little over and hour. My shoulder hurt this time. I kept fantasizing that it was just that my shoulder was out of its socket and that I could push it back in, that there would be one big crack, a ton of pain, and that there would peace after that. But no, just hazy pain and aching. I am watching tivo'd fox news... don't ask why I tivo fox news, you wouldn't like the answer. I have to work tomorrow morning. I have massive amounts of research papers to correct.. I need to sleep. SLEEP PLEASE .............................................................................................................. I am going to try to go to bed again... the vicotin is kicking in.

Life comes and goes

2009-06-05T18:31:00.002-04:00

I fell asleep on the living room floor about half an hour ago. I have been living this twighlight existance now for a couple weeks. I wake up a few times throughout the night and pace around, sometimes take a hot shower, sometimes take medicine, then, a half-an-hour later, I go back to bed. I have been waking up for the morning around 5 or 6ish. Then, I go to work. The muscles in my arm are so weak now. I have a hard time pushing doors open. I can't throw things with any amount of accuracy anymore, even across the room. It is so weird how this happened. Still, I have times during the day where it doesn't even hurt at all. It just feels a bit tight.

Henry learned how to use the point and click camera we have today. I came home and he proudly came running up and told me that he wanted to go out taking pictures of birds with me. Funny, I haven't done that at all this year. I am just waiting for my arm to come back. I am going to go to physical therapy in a couple of weeks.... will it still be bad then?? I might go to a chiropractor before that.

I am not sure how I feel about them. They seem like so much less of a science to me. Still, I have to do something. I have weened myself off of the muscle relaxers and the motrin. So now all I have is vicotin and pain tolerance. I have these tomato plants that are so huge and just need to get transplanted into the garden, but I can't get myself to risk the injury. It might be fine, but it might set things back to the beginning, which would be .... b a d.

Jenny cooked spicy stringbeans and chinese sausage over rice today for supper and it was really good. Nora is avoiding getting a diaper change. Henry is wandering aimlessly around the house, I am on this laptop and Jenny is taking care of Nora... Life is pretty normal.

pain and toil

2009-06-02T22:08:00.002-04:00

I am still in some pain, but it seems like the slope to recovery is steeper here. So, this entry is going to be little because my shoulder hurts while I sit and I have to wait half an hour to take a vicotin.

The main and awful thing that happened today is that a few teachers got laid off or potentially laid off, or told not to come back. It is an awful thing and I was witness to the heartbreak... really the heartbreak... of someone that I liked a lot. It is the first time that this has really happened around me and it really is an awful thing. I am not going to get specific about anything out of respect for their privacy. But I felt my stomach drop and empathizing with them about this real tragedy is really awful. In a time when work is so hard to find, being laid off is more than I can imagine. And now, those people have to report right back to work tomorrow. I don't know how I would do it. There have been times when I have had that sinking feeling in my stomach pretty severely and to come right back and pretend that nothing happened and face everyone just seems beyond my imagination.

I stood and didn't know what to say except that I was so sorry. So I kept saying it over and over again. It was a pretty awful day. And I am at a loss.

I am here

2009-06-02T02:26:00.001-04:00

Here I am, sitting in my living room at 2:27 in the morning. I have not slept a full night for over a week. I pulled a muscle in my back and have taken more medicine than I have ever taken in my life, which is really saying something based on the chemical dependence my mother has. I am sitting here feeling irrelevant. I can blame this on a couple of things, one being the Vicodin that I just took. The other is that I work with kids and kids are innately self centered. I exist for one year, or in some cases a few, and then I fade away. And as I grow older, I fade more quickly... orbiting away from the center of their universes into the dark spaces.

I feel overshadowed by petty things, which is not a good feeling. I am going to write some songs soon... I can tell. I have an idea for a concept album. It is from the point of view of an elderly woman, looking back on her life. I think the title will have to be something like "An ode to Edna." or something similar. I was asked to jam with a band that meets in webster recently. "Pink-floydish and bent on world domination" he said. It seemed like a good time... but my time isn't my own anymore. My own Kids have taken that away and I certainly wouldn't be willing to give the time that is meant for them to the long haired boy that I met in Rutland pharmacy that wanted me to jam in Webster three times a week. The band's name is MAAR... and he said it like "MAAAARRRRR" I have his number magentically stuck to my refridgerator. I will never call it. But... someone actually asked me to Jam with their band...do you know how long it has been since I have even thought of something like that happening.

(irrelevant)

Tomorrow I will go to school, this time, not on a Vicotin, because that was in absolutely no way pleasant, and I will teach my students how to write critiques. They will probably use that information all the way through college in one form or another. And still, I feel irrelevant. Because, although they laugh, and are there, and are concerned, I will not be a part of their lives for the rest of their lives. And they know that above all else. I do have two kids of my own. And in that way they define me. But they don't really know that now. And so, my reflection is being lost.
I am writing in a blog for god sakes. Spitting my ideas into the maelstrom of people that are somehow like me. trying to find an audience that cares in some way. Waiting for a comment, like an answer from the universe proving somehow that there is life out there. Maybe someone with a similar understanding. And it would feel good to know that I am not alone here, at 2:47, sitting at my computer in the living room, waiting for the Vicotin to numb me enough to go back to bed.

blip blip blip blip............................................nothing.

Because I can

2009-05-24T20:26:00.000-04:00

Do you think that it is true that everybody finds a place and owns it in their heart? I think my wife's is in the basement. She's down there right now trying to recover from my daughter's fit before bed time. (she didn't have a nap, my wife nor my daughter). I think that I lay claims to places. I feel like a specific part of Rutland State Park is mine. Actually, two places in RSP. I can remember thinking that a specific pine tree on my father's land was mine. Also, a really big beech tree that I carved my initials in way on the top of the hill behind my house. I had a camp across the street by a little river. I had a desk in the top of the library at UMASS that I claimed and no one else really knew about. My house now, it doesn't feel like mine. It feels slightly unhealthy to me. Not in a literal sense, but my yard is moss and scattered crab grass, there is a giant puddle lying next to my yard spawning off mosquitos by the dozens, I had to import top soil just to plant my lousy yard and didn't import enough to sustain any sort of life. I just wish this place felt beautiful to me. I also wish I had money enough to make some improvements. I want to clear the land next to me and put drainage in. I want to have some sheep and some chickens over there. I want to have a barn/garage and to inspire some sort of pastural beauty here. But instead, I just sit inside and wait to earn enough money to fix the front yard... and maybe the back.

Being where you don't belong....

2008-10-24T17:23:00.001-04:00

Sometimes I get this urge to go somewhere that I can't get into.... Sometimes its alomost more than an urge..... i will go by these fenced off places and nearly stop.... and nearly get out... and nearly jump the fence and look around and well... I don't know what else.

Well this time I did it. I took a class in photography a while ago, and the professor spoke about getting into places just by wearing a big camera on your chest. ..... so..... I thought that I would give it a try.

Target: The Spencer Fair

Time: around 7:00 am

I was not very nervous, but, I really thought that it wouldn't work. I walked up to the front gate (Chain link with razor wire on top for effect) wearing a Nikon D40 X with a vr zoom lens. It was large but in my mind not official looking. I put the sun filter on it just for intimidation. There was a man riding by in a golf cart. He politely stopped and started telling me that he was waiting for the inmates that were coming to clean up. The whole time he was unlocking the gate. I was polite back, and never mentioned why I was there. He wished me good picture taking and I walked into the park. Most of the time, I was alone. I did pass one lady that offered me a coffee and was unexpectantly nice for that hour in the morning.

I walked a bit and decided to go into the barn area. I didn't realize that the people displaying their livestock actually slept right there with them. They didn't seem very happy to see me with my camera so I just quickly walked through. I did manage to snap a couple pictures though.

Why I am a teacher.....

2008-10-01T07:41:00.000-04:00

Kat and Kels

Facebook...sketchy...me???

2008-09-29T16:03:00.000-04:00

So, yesterday, I had a former student tell her sister that a 30 year old guy having a facebook is sketchy.... I can't stop thinking about this for a couple of reasons:

First, is it? I don't feel like it is. It is a window into the lives of those who choose to become friends with me. In that way I guess its a bit voyeuristic. However, I don't request friends, my students inevitably request me as a friend. Also, I use facebook primarily to keep in touch with former students and also with friends of mine. I don't think thats sketchy... I haven't felt sketchy in any way.....until she said that.. Its probably just "Guy Teacher Radar." GTR is standard issue for any guy teacher. I am so Over-the-top sensitive to anything that might be miconstrued it is crazy.... I have never done anything even remotely sketchy. So, yeah.... that is probably it.

Second, why would she think that.... what does she use facebook for....This one I think I am going to have to think about more to really under stand. My initial reaction is that they maybe hook-up using this as a tool.... or .... idk.....Maybe she feels that it is "sketchy" for any older guy to want to stay in touch with younger people.

There is a strange thing happening right now with my eighth graders. They are telling me that the highschoolers have told them that they can't use facebook because its only for older students. This....is completly with out reason. But it does lead me to a couple conclusions. I think that this generation has taken to owning this kind of communication and therefore, my participation is an intrusion on something that they do. Kind of like older people liking the beatles in their hayday. It was the sign of a generation. Is public communication a standard by which the current generation will be defined. If that is true, how will that label that generation The Beatles were a peace loving rebellion that pulled at their generation through freedom of thought. Maybe this generation has found its voice.... even though its pressed through the anonynimity of the sheer mass of voices, still it is their voice nonetheless. And I am not supposed to be there.

Its just where I want to be.

French toast

2008-09-28T08:56:00.000-04:00

Mornings in our house are fairly routine. During school, I try to wake up at 5:15. This is for a couple reasons. For some reason I feel like it is an accomplishment. Something rural and agrerion. I also, ave devotions when the rest of the house is in bed, and I try to clean up a little before Jenny gets up. Also, it gives me some time to myself. Jenny is nearly always up when I am up. She is a night person. I turn on some soft music. I read out of John Piper's devotional a Godward Life. I was given this by someone that I respect more, probably than anyone else. Dwight Chapel's pastor Emanuel Haqq. Then, I intend to work out a bit.....intend.... Then, I decide if I want to bike to work, if its warm enough, I will leave at 6:30. If its too cold I will leave a little before seven. Its a nice routine... I thik that TV is the only thing standing in the way of this routine.... that and just the craziness of having kids and no time to myself.... Sometimes at night I just want to be able to breathe a bit before I go to work..

Weekends, I would like to get up at the same time. Someday that will happen .... for now, I wake up when Nora does, or sometimes Jenny does, and make breakfast for the kids.... and rush into the day.
Henry doesn't like french toast.
db

A change in plans....

2008-03-24T08:52:00.000-04:00

So this blog will now convert over to a nice personallized blog about... you know, a bloggy blog. I will throw some pictures up and make things vaguely relavent... but it can be about anything at all.....

Yesterday was easter. And I am a part of the worship team at my Church: Heritage Bible Chapel. Most of the people in the picture are part of their own group, Jordan's Crossing . They reside at our church and take up the worship there half of the time. I really like playing with them, it is a pretty great thing... except that sometimes I am asked to play percussion... not the kit (which I love) but percussion... and this wouldn't be so bad really if it weren't for the tamberine. I am just not a tamerine kind of guy... I don't dance, I don't smile and shake.... I don't have any school spirit... but I do it because (and this is honest) it keeps me humble.. I really want to see my role on the worship team as a service that I give to God. I don't want to have a concert mentallity that highlights me as a musician. There is a huge difference there in motive and I want the right motives. So.... yeah... the dreaded tamborine. I shook it for two songs. After church I went to my sister-in-laws, and had one of the better Easter meals I have ever had...Lamb cooked for literally eight hours. It was REALLY good. It was a relatively nice Easter. I was a bit unnerved about taking Henry and Nora to Polly (my sister-in-law)'s house because of the flaking lead paint all over the outside. Henry was lead poisened pretty severely when he was tiny and I don't even want him near the stuff. Which bring me to concern number two:

Polly is pregnant and we are trying to navigate a way of telling her that the lead paint might hurt her baby even right now. But my wife's family is um...shall we say... headstrong and telling any of them (including my wife) what they should do is likely to throw me into the lands of the ignored, hated, and despsied. So, I must navigate.

We haad to really consider how we were going to treat Easter in our family this year. I don't really like the over comercialized version that is culturally cool right now. I don't actually mind that version of Christmas, but Easter seems to me like it should be more of a time of consideration of God. So, we had one tiny easter basket with malt-ball eggs and Peeps and Henry and Nora got to munch on that. I told Henry that Easter is a time when Jesus came back from being dead... he became alive again. And that was about it. He is only four and I think that the whole crucifiction thing would throw him right over the edge. (and he would go willingly).

And that was Easter... I liked it, really. I feel a bit more sane now...

Templton Fair

2007-08-24T15:08:00.000-04:00

Every year of my life, Templeton has had a fair near the end of August. I remember very clearly, barely being able to ride my bike and still biking the mile it took to get to that fair. The fair, for me, is a grounding point. For the past few years there has been no difference at all in the venders and still it is something that marks the end of summer and the return to work. Its funny that it still does this for me. I love it. I love that the historical society still opens its doors then, and the crazy rush for food at the food tent. I love all of the auctions, and seeing strange people that I new forever ago....I love Templeton's end of August fair.

Where I have been

2007-08-14T14:24:00.000-04:00

I created a couple other blogs over the past few days. These are historically and locally focused. Here is the link...
http://oldnewengland.blogspot.com/
It has been keeping me pretty busy.... Take a look around. :)

My heart

2007-08-10T09:51:00.000-04:00

It is the last trip that I will make to UMASS hospital. When I was born, I had an extra nerve in my heart (Wolff-Parkinson White Syndrome) I didn't know until my first attack when I was 15: I was jogging around the gymnasium in gym and my heart began to beat fast and hard. Ever since then, I had around 10 attacks a year. My heart would speed up to around 250 beats per minute... pretty fast... It felt very much like something was alive in my chest, like a gopher running on a wheel. Also, I became very aware of any irregularites my heart would go through on a daily basis. My heart would shift between these light feathery rythms and natural beats. So, about two years ago, I changed doctors and my new doctor told me that I should see a cardiologist. (I had only seen one once for a diagnosis) I wen't to UMASS and was informed that WPW can kill people.

My heart could go not only into atrial fibrulation, but that arythmia could translate down into my ventrical and my whole heart could beat at a very fast rythm, and that could kill me. No one had ever told me that before. They advised that I have an ablation. It was largely succesful (95%) and fairly noninvasive. They put electrodes up and into the veins in my legs and fed them into my heart.

I hate doctor's offices, and hospitals and anything white and labbish looking. I have a pretty signifcant fear of medical stuff. So, it took me a bit to work up the courage tosay yes to the operation. I remember that first visit, they said they could do the operation next week if I said yes.... I said no... and waited about three months.

So the day of the operation came. I went with my parents.. whom I felt had been with me through this whole heart thing and deserved to be there, and my wife. I nearly passed out when the IV was inserted into my hand in the prepping room. I remember feeling the fluid cold in my hand and feeling as if I was sinking into something fluid. I asked the nurse if I was being sedated, and she responded "No honey, your'e passing out..." in a voice that only a nurse that has worked for many years can muster. I have never passed out, and the shock of it drove me back to the surface (and it really felt like that too... swimming up through my unconsiousness). Then, Jenny came in to see me off and they wheeled me into the operating room. The nurses were quickly getting everything ready. I remember seeing stainless steel everywhere and those awful white, square, lights that you see on tv. The nursese talked to me about Henry and told me to ask for more medicine if I needed it ( I was being put under conscious sedation). Then the doctors came in said hi and told me to count to ten.....1, 2, 3......

The next thing I remember is waking up, lifting my head and frantically asking for more medicine.. then gone again...

I woke up after the operation and I don't remember who told me, but someone came in and told me that the operation was unsuccesful. Jenny and my parents then came in. Jenny said I was crying when I told her that the operation was unsuccesful. The dotcors came in then. They both looked pretty pissed. Its funny because I don't expect that from doctors. The intern's hair was messy and he was visibly angry and seemed to be holding back from yelling.

I had to stay overnight and they put me on a medication to control the rhythm of my heart. I stayed, then left. The medicine, Flecanide, was to be taken twice a day. I took a double dose once by mistake.....had to call the poisen control center... lots of fun. But I was fine.

Anyway, I stayed on this medicine, which made my heart incredibly constant, for about a year. It was great because I knew that my heart would not go into a wpw episode while I was on it. I went back for checkups and the doctors were amazed at how well my body was taking the medicine. It had removed any sign of wpw. That was unusual. Normally there would be remnants of iregularity showing up on an ekg. But for me there was nothing. Eventually, Doctor Rosenthall began to find it strange that the wpw wasn't showing up. He had me take a stress test. WPW is agrivated by exercise. It still didn't show up.

The next checkup, he asked me if I would try going off of the medicine to see if the wpw would show up without the medicine. He thought there was the possibility that the burning of the cathaders had scarred enough to sever the extra nerve causing my wpw. The intern thought that there was no way that could happen. He thought that my body was just reacting very well to the Flecanide.

Eventually, I did go off of it and took another ekg. It wasn't there. I did a stress test, and it still wasn't there. I waited two months and had another stress test. It wasn't there. I watied another six months untill today, and had another ekg. It istn't there. Dr. Rosenthall happily said "I say your'e cured!" And, I don't have to go and see him ever again. He also said, as I was leaving with a big grin on my face, "You know where I am if you need me." I don't think I am going to need him again. :)

I prayed for this. After my failed opperation, I was confused and depressed. It took so much courage to let myself get into that opperation. The doctors said the succes rate was at 95%!!! How could I be the five. I prayed that God would take away the WPW, and after the doctors didn't, He did... He is always faithful..

Fishing with Henry...

2007-08-05T20:51:00.000-04:00

We took Henry to Rutland State Park fishing today. It was a beautiful day, 82, bright and sunny. Henry only cast in a couple times before he got bored and started using a hook remover to fish the nightcrawlers out of the little cup we bought them in. It was nice to see Jenny enjoying herself though. We spent about an hour and a half there. Before that, I cleaned up the cellar and found my old laptop that I am using now. It is actually working really well!!! I ate awfully today..... Jen works first thing in the morning... to quote the great David Coverdale... "Here we go again."

Day with my Dad

2007-08-04T07:16:00.000-04:00

Today I spent the day at my Dad's house. We are trying to finish off my cabinet doors. We spent about an hour doing it yesterday. We also went to some guys house in Holden and bought two bookcases from him for my class. Today, my class started feeling a little more like my class..... I can'nt wait for school to start again. There were some huge thunder storms last night. Henry isn't afraid of them in the least.

Comet Pond II

2007-08-03T08:29:00.000-04:00

Well, we borrowed my dad's cabana thinger.... It worked well. I have dtermined that I am truly an engineering genius. Give me any crazy contraption that they dream up and I will figure out how it works without the instructions.... Oh ho ho ah haha!! (evil laugh [that when written unfortunately looks like Santa having heart failure]) Henry actually wanted to go in the water with me by the end of the day. We stayed for about three hours. It was great. I might want to do this A LOT more often.

Comet Pond

2007-08-02T07:39:00.000-04:00

I wanted to spend the good part of the day at Comet Pond yesterday. But, I wanted to buy a cabana so Nora woudn't be in the sun the whole time. So, Henry and I went to Walmart to try to find one... They lead me to every corner of the store, and... nothing. So, Henry fell asleep on the way back, and when I came home, the cats, Jenny and Nora, were all sleeping. I guess it was nap time. Every one slept until about 4:00. We still did make it to the beach. We stayed for about an hour and then the beach closed. Henry didn't want to go in at first. I had to carry him in. But once he was in he liked it. I swished him around and he really liked it. I tried to get him to dunk his head in the water but.... it wasn't happening. I love Comet pond. It is one of the cleanest ponds in Massachusetts. It's real name is Asnacomet Pond. I remember, years ago, I canoed on the pond and it was a very strange experience. Its so clear that I could very clearly see the botom of the pond and I had the distinct feeling that I was flying... and that I could fall and hit the bottom of the pond. Jenny asked me if I wanted to go and canoe there again. Sounds like fun!!!

Rutland State Park

2007-07-31T16:47:00.000-04:00

Jenny almost had the day off today. She was called in, and that is rare. So, she is making a pocket-full of money. But she missed a completly gorgeous day. Henry, Nora and I went to the state park for the sole purpose of Henry being able to throw rocks into the water. He did do that, but the completely abundant kiver population caught his eye. I brought a banana for him to eat and he dropped it on the ground. So, we discovered that kivers actually like to eat banana. Its no big surprise... they eat everything. I remember when I was young. I was camping and we ran out of bait. We just threw our hooks in and the kivers would bite onto the bare metal. They aren't too bright. Anyway, Henry enjoyed getting muddy and throwing everything he could find into the water... including bananas.

Trip to the mall...

2007-07-30T16:50:00.001-04:00

Sounds easy right........ wrong. Jenny was at work.... Nora is getting two new teeth..... Henry was grumpy..... it was raining... All of these were reasons that I would have used not to do anything in the past. Still... I went out and bought two new pairs of jeans and a whole bunch of close for Henry. I walked the mall with Henry begging me to push the stroller and really tried to enjoy it. Well, we will call it a half success. I did get out :) Tomorrow is another day... and its not supposed to rain.....

Boston Children's Museum

2007-07-30T09:35:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, we took a trip into Boston. We went on the subway, which Henry loved. We had lunch at Quincy Market... which proved to be a real challenge with all of the people and such, and then took the T to the children's Museum. This is from the place that I got a marvelous plate of fried clams. (Check out the guys in the back :) )

Henry absolutely loved it!! And, for the first time, being a teacher actually financially paid off a bit..... I got in free.... So, $18 gets a whole day of fun. I am definately taking Henry back. He had something of a breakthrough. Henry is naturally cautious, and is kind of afraid of a lot of things. But, I think the amount of kids climbing through things and just laughing etc. made him forget all of that and just have fun. He climbed up to the second story of this incredible netting thing that went up like three stories. He loved it. IT was kind of crazy because if he freaked out, there was really no way for me to get in there and get him out....

He also really gained som confidence on this little climby thing. There was a wall of pegs to climb and the first time he tried he was really slow, but he went up and through this little tunnel with a balance beam. Then, he went down a steep ramp with tiny steps.... He was really proud of himself and wanted to go again and again and again... His favorite though was this little canal toy that let kids direct the flow of water with these little faucets. He really liked it. He said it was his favorite.

All in all, this was a great trip. We are definately going back.

Party at Pauline's.....

2007-07-28T18:46:00.000-04:00

First official day... This morning I went shopping for rugs. This is really not a great thing. Rug's are hard. To get a really nice one we would have to pay a ton of money, and the cheap ones all look pretty...well...cheap. The expensive ones are way over our head. So, frustration. On top of that, we have differing opinions of what we want....etc.... just a recipee for disaster.

Right, on to the party.

I have twin aunts, Pauline and Paulet. Niether of them are in this picture. Every year we have a summer party and more time than not its at my aunt Pauline's. Here is a run down of who is in this picture.

Here is my cousin Jen. She is pretty great. I am always glad to see her. Life, and a couple bad decisions have handed her a pretty tough deal right now. Still, she is reallly nice and has great kids. They are party people. I remember a couple of years ago during Christmas, Casey and Emily (her son and daughter) came walking in to my grandmothers house chanting "Lets get this party started (while marching [they were 8 and 10 years old]). I have always loved Jen. She needs a great guy to marry her.

Here is Aunt Martha. She is not my Aunt. I think I call her that because my Cousin Shonda calls her that. She is her Aunt. She's nice enough. I thought about living in her house once with one of my friends. That lasted less than a week.... I don't remeber why that was.

This is Skip. He lives with Martha. He's nice enough. I think he owns a Auto Salvage place.

Here is my dad, and behind him, Nora and my Mom. Happily, My dad stopped with the comb over a while back.

Gramma. She is looing better and better. She stopped smoking less than a year ago and her eyes have cleared. It was really nice to see her looking so good.

Here is the first person at the party that I don't know. I think it my Uncle Alby's sister. She was pretty nice.

Here is Henry!! He just finished off the bowl of Cheese puffs. He had apretty good time. I think he would have liked to run around a bit more but the raind and the dogs (I'll get to those later) kinda prevented that.

Shonda hates having her picture taken and here she is posted on the internet..... She is also the most likely one to find this blog. This could lead to my ruin.... SHONDA IS THE BEST PERSON I HAVE EVER MET IN MY LIFE. (hope that saves me)

Jenny. She had a good time at the party. I think she wanted to go to this. Sometimes its nice to go somewhere mildly fun and just let it happen around you.

Here's Tammy. She brought her relish. It's funny, I always thought I was the canning type and Tammy started doing it before me. I thik I am a little jealous but mostly happy to see her having fun doing it. Her relish is really good!!!

Here are the dreaded unknown people. It is ok at summer parties, so this wasn't really that bad. It's at its worst when its at a holiday party or something like that. I don't know why I dread it that much. It always just feels awkward. Surrounded by my family, people that I have known my whole life, and then to see a completely unknown face feels like an invasion. Anybody else feel like this?? My Aunt MArie is sticking out in the back of them. Her husband, my uncle Bruce died a while back, that was one of the saddest things I have been through.... still sad about it... still don't really understand... Aunt Marie is great though.

So, that's about it. The party was typical and fun. Other people were there two, big characters like Uncle Tommy, Aunt Paulette, My cousins Brian and Kelly, My niece Katie, and a few other older people that I didn't know, hmm..... that's about it. The food was good: dips, hamburgers, hotdogs, some tropical drink that was blue, good good good.....

Setting out....

2007-07-27T17:24:00.000-04:00

Here I am....

with 3/4 of my family. My wife is at work. It's 5:41. After I am done with this entry, I am going to cook a steak and some sort of vegetable and some sort of starch. Then, I am going to eat a bit of it and give the rest to Henry (in my left arm). He's three, and Nora, she's six months. We just built the house I am in less than a year ago. We just bought the chair I am sitting in because Henry had lead poisoning from an old aprtment (he's perfectly fine now) and we had to buy all new furniture when we moved in. The past five years have been packed with stress, and craziness. Today I took a drive in the car to give both kids a nap. While I was driving down old, dirt back roads, by Mount Wachusett, past farms and forests, a little bit of life came back to me. And, I made a decision: I am going to do something everyday, not just something mondane, but something. And, I am going to write about it here.

We will see what tomorrow might bring..........