words and weather

I slept through the night last night. I think I went to bed before 11 and got up a tiny bit after 6. That is a whole night's sleep my friends!! So, I am supposed to go camping today. But, there are a couple things that are preventing that from happening. 1. my back might die completely sleeping on the ground. 2. It is supposed to rain for eternity. So, no camping. Even though this is the thing that I won in a photo contest. I do however want to get a pamphlet because the army core of engineers put my picture on it's cover.

Jonathan is coming over to chat about poetry this morning. I can't begin to describe how exciting that is. First, he is sincere. Second, he knows very little. Third, its just poetry, no grammar lessons, no getting ready for high school, no eighth grade tension. He is an adult!!! I am really happy to explore this with him. He really wants to write, and is actively writing. I have decided that I will give him a new "assignment" every week and will do the assignment as well. So, I will post the result here.

Poetry really is, for me, the zenith of writing. Good poetry is amazing, and writing good poetry, though nearly impossible, is even more amazing. I have to go into school today to get a couple of things before he comes over. I think that 90 percent of the reason that people like music these days is because they like poetry. They don't know it, but those lyrics are really poems.

It struck me recently that popular music, within the last 100 years, is really derivative of opera. Before that there were really only two types of music. Opera (with people singing to the music) and everything else (that didn't contain people singing at all). I guess there were choruses, but they had tons of people singing the melody. The melody in today's popular music is carried by instruments and the voice plays around the melody = opera. How weird is that?

less is more? no... just less

Well, I tried to take less medicine before bed last night and here I am, up at ungodly hours in the morning. I laid on my side yesterday and took a nap for a couple of hours. When I woke up, almost all of the numbness had gone from my hand. But it instantly came back when I stood. I go to see a Physical Therapist today. I am a little afraid that this person is going to screw me up worse than I am now. We'll see.

I signed up for the first of a slew of photography courses yesterday. I intend to take as many as I can throughout the next school year. Then, I will head out for another masters. This time in English. So, school officially starts again on July 7th. I can't wait. I love good classes... I hope this is going to be one of them. I took it through the art museum. I was happy to see that the instructor is a professor, http://www.full-circle-designs.com/profile.html at Ithica College.

It is dark in here, and quiet. the refridgerator is buzzing and my computer is making little counter-melodies and that is it. 4:46. I want to go back to bed at 5:30 when the pain will stop but it will be light out then and I know that I will also want to stay up. I could get a few hours of sleep in then though...

after the deluge

So, that is done. And as promised, I want to write about some of the aspects of this year that were kind of amazing... at least to me. I am not sure when I started to like this year. It seemed fairly normal, nice, normal but then maybe three quarters of the way through it kind of took on new life. I think it had something to do with the challenge of the low MCAS scores in Rutland.

First, let me say that I hate the MCAS. And this year I really proved why. I can't discuss the results of the test except to say that we did well.

First: MCAS is inconsistent because it not only judges the students' ability to a degree, but also, and more so, the students willingness to take the test and complete it. In Rutland, for some reason, the moral surrounding the test was low. The chief thing that I changed this year was to attack that low moral. I pit my rapport with my students against their apathy regarding the stupid MCAS. It was that change that may have changed everything.

STOP... I just realized I was boring myself...

1. I am not an old Italian man that talks to themselves till they ramble on in complete incoherence.

2. I don't want to write about MCAS.... or anything of that awful genre.

3. School is done.

4. School is done.

So, here is a very small visual account of my first day of summer.

And I had an MRI... which was incredibly loud, incredibly tight, and incredibly, I fell asleep during it.

when all things are equal.....run

Today this blog equalled the length of my other largest blog. And that one is just writing prompts. So, that is serious. Yup... serious... .. .. ... no, its not.

I found out that I don't have to get injected with dye for my MRI this Saturday morning at 7:30! That is one of the happier things ever because that means no injections and it means I am that many steps away from being one of those animals all pumped full of formaldehyde.

I am going to say goodbye to a bunch of very sad eighth graders today. Its funny, I think we (8th graders and I) know on some level that this graduation is kinda silly. But still, I find it meaningful and they do too. It is sad to see people that I have got to know and like leave, with all likelihood, forever. But it is also kind of neat to have a ceremony to mark the occasion. What I am not looking forward to is trying to make my back sit nicely in one of those seats for a while. If my back is bad, I have no idea if I am going to be able to do that. So, I might be some strange walking around teacher at graduation. Thank God Central Tree doesn't televise it like MTV did.

This has been kind of an amazing year for me. But I think I will save those thoughts for my next post... it has though.

a place for everything

I am done. I have finished all of my papers. I still woke up at 5:00 today. So here is a new one.... my leg is turning numb. Just when I am laying down. What the heck!!!!! This is the weirdest thing ever. The pain is getting less and I was starting to feel a bit comfortable with everything until I am better, but now this new bit is throwing me a bit. I hate these kind of things. I had an MRI scheduled for this Thursday but I have graduation so I will have to put it off a bit. I just want to be past this whole thing...

So anyway, yes I am done, almost entirely done with school. Two more days and summer starts. I will be camping for a couple of days and then the fourth of july will be here. (I love the 4th in Rutland). Jenny is massively depressed about our finances. We just found out that our house has devaluated so much since we built it that we can't afford a fixed mortgage. Also, we can't afford to finish the upstairs. This sucks so bad. It is really disheartening. I was pretty sad about it also. We need twelve thousand dollars to finish the upstairs. I thought we would just be able to have our house estimated for a finished upstairs and then get a construction loan and finish it. Because of the freaking economy, our house has decreased in value so much in the two years since we built it that the bank will only offer us two thousand dollars.

Yes, I am happy to be a teacher. I want to blow up the whole freaking world when I think about how little I make as a teacher. I hate it.

I really hate it.

wish granted

I woke at 2:30.... The problem is, I was counting on waking at 5:00 to get my grades in at school... so, I now am stuck with setting my alarm at 6:00 to have enough time to get my grades in. But, I read everyone's blogs and it was nice. They are such nice windows in to everyone's days. It is rough getting to know people and then representing some part of their past that they grow beyond so they just keep moving on. I reiterate... I have the strangest job. This picture was in my work folder on my desktop ... so here ya go.

I am going to bed again...

Papers = past

So.... that's over... kind of. I have a bunch of grades to enter tomorrow, early in the morning, before anyone sane will be up. I really fell behind this year. I hate that. But, done now. And, it was really good year this year. Here is what I liked.

1. I really really like tackling one new style of poetry a month and making it an overarching assignment. This month we did Sestinas, Shakespearean Sonnets, "Place" poems, Villanelles, Concrete poems (adult versions with conflicting images), Complex rhyme scheme poems (steph's poems), metaphor poems, and a couple of others I can't remember.

2. I really like my first assignment: Go to the Old Rutland Burial Ground and pick out a stone. Do some research about the person buried there. Read some nonfictional pieces and then a fictional piece, all the time winding up to writing a student created historical fiction piece. (This year I will get them put up in the library.)

3. Writing Prompts of course... These work on so many levels. They break through the doldrum of the student's day. They get them situated in class. They work as a means for breaking down social walls between students. They develop a students individual voice. They are not graded (Thank God), so they are a safe place for a student to play with writing. (never found in school). They are also a time for a student's mind to wander where it will (something mine certainly did in school).

4. Horror story unit. I love this unit. Next year I want to develop it a bit further. I want to have a selection of novels that we can read through individually or possibly read Dracula as a class. I love the student created movies!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EqioCv1QEco

5. I think I did a good job on the stupid MCAS thinger... ( I actually know I did but I can't say anything about that yet)

6. Research paper... I don't know... should I do it again? is it worth it? It is the reason I got so backed up in correcting yet again. I hate correcting it... and teaching it kinda, but I think it is a good experience.

The rest... I am up for rethinking.

It is a lot of fun to be able to reform everything from year to year. For example, former student, Kylekate just graduated from NYC and now is a Pro Drama Coach. She just volunteered to come in sometime next year so I might want to focus on some dramatic pieces. I taught A Midsummer Nights Dream at Mountview and had some serious fun with that. Also, my friend Stephen Cass is the Senior Editor of a Magazine and has volunteered to come in and talk... so something along those lines might be nice as well. "Who knows" is what I mean... Who knows!! That is the fun in it.

My time is slipping

I am not waking up at night anymore. 5:00 seems the new time. I can't believe I am sad to see it go. I think that time was unique. I was simply waiting... nothing to do... just wait to feel better. It was solely given to writing in this blog. 5 means that I can get ready for the day. It's light out too. We don't watch a lot of tv in this house anyway, but I think that I am going to nix all tv after supper. Jen won't mind, except for Friday nights when "What Not to Wear" is on. It is amazing how much she likes that show. I think she just likes to watch people who can afford new clothes (curse you government for paying teachers so little). My shows aren't playing right now anyway. I watch Lost and Supernatural... also, Ghost Hunters is a nice little break from whatever I am doing. Supernatural is ricidulous. It is a mix of absolute cheese and really thoughtful writing with a little horror stuck in. I REALLY like it. Plus it has taken on a cult feeling that is kind of priceless. Best episode yet: The Monster at The End of This Book. Two protgaonists, Sam and Dean, are walking through a comic book store (cool in itself) and find a series af cheesy books that are mapping out their life. So they hunt down the author after talking to a diehard fan of the series that doesn't trust them to be true fans... hillarious. When they find him, they think he is psychic and try to "convince" him to stop tapping into their lives for fear that hell will use it somehow, but when they get forceful with him, he turns out to be a Prophet and is protected by archangles. He is writing the gospel of their lives and is therefore untouchable.

The writing was so good and self-deprecating. love that...

Ok I have blown off correcting these last few papers long enough...

I can taste it

Summer is a week, and one large pile of papers away. I can taste it. Henry's anticipation of me being home is building. He keeps asking me what we are going to do together. He is going through one of his cute phases too!! I can tell you, being a father is really hard, especially in the beginning for me. I had the hardest time adjusting to everything. But it is so worth it. When I see his face light up because he sees me... and its me he's seeing... and he gets excited to be with me, there is nothing better than that. It is worth the low pay to have the summer off with them. Nora has been kissing my hand lately and saying "hurt shoulder." It is the best feeling I have known to be with my kids. I am going to die if they hate me in their teen years. I don't know what I will do. I can't picture them hating me... maybe when I have to say no to things, but they will always know that I love them under all of that. I am sure. I always knew with my parents... but man, I gave them a run for their money, and I did screw things up pretty bad... even to this day to some degree. I love them though and I know that they know that.

One week and I will be, according to Henry, going to caves that have boats in them, going camping, going to Chucky Cheese lol, and going exploring. I am looking forward to just having time to spend luxuriosly doing nothing with Henry and Nora... more so Henry because Nora is still so frantic. She is three and in full swing. But Henry is starting to slow down some and take time to talk. I love that.... He gets this look when he talks to me about doing things together... this... wistfull, expectant look. I can't believe I get to spend my life with these two kids.

good news...no news...bad news...

I just came back from said doctor's office. She is really nice. I used her hand sanitizer. In her niceness she told me that she wanted to make sure that i was ok... and that I don't have any permanent damage from begin weak and numb. So, that was nice. But, I have to have an MRI... which I held on to for hope of not getting an injection, the bane of my existance, and it turns out that they have to inject die into me for that. Oh well... the X-ray came back kind of good: a tiny bit of bone spur on c5-6 but not bad. I also have to have some sort of electric thing that locates the nerve that is being affected... somehow, even though its not invasive, I think it might hurt a bit... I have this vague memory of someone telling me that it is awful. I can handle awful though... just not invasive. I might be pinching my nerve somewhere in my shoulder or in my arm.. and they want to find out where it is.

By the way... here is one of my pet peeves that could be offensive to people... I don't like it when people dissasociate themselves from parts of their body when they have a problem. They say things like "The arm" instead of "my arm" etc... I even find that I have this pet peeve somewhat offensive given that I don't have any life threatening thing that I am aware of and if I did who knows what I would be calling it/me.

My finger is still numb by the way... but I went a good part of the day without taking any medicine... That was nice... It is going to rain on father's day.... which isn't so nice given that Jenny planned a nice thing for me outside (I don't know what it is yet). If it can't happen in the rain, reading is always nice when it rains... but I can't sit for long. grr go away weird shoulder thing!!!!!!

Quoting rabbits..

I go to visit the doctor tomorrow. I am afraid that she is going to tell me something awful. I used to have a seriously hard time with medical stuff. I really do verge on hypochondria. I have this view of life that is wrong, I think... I see it as so fragile, litterally every time I am sick, part of me worries that it is something beyond what is presenting itself. I feel like my life is just balancing and that something is going to come along and just knock everything to the ground. So, the doctor didn't want to leave information over the phone. So, I am worried that this neck thing is something other than what I have had to look up online.

A long time ago.. when I was young, I remember going to the doctor... doctor Miller... and just dying about everything. He called me a worrywort. That was his term. I would cry when he took out the toung depressor. I would literally ball when I had to get a shot. What was I afraid of. I think it has something to do with being invaded. I have this life, and I want so badly to enjoy it, and I don't want anything to come and knock it over.

I was thinking today that I didn't want to die soon because I don't want Henry to have to grow up without me. It sounds dramatic, but it isn't in my head. It's real. I used to think that I wouldn't live past 30... if I could just make it to thirty than I would be ok. It is awful to feel this kind of thing threatening my life. I don't want it to be.

When I was 14 I found a tumor in my back near my spine. I could feel it with my fingers, a bump, under my skin, just sitting there. It took me years to go to the doctor to have him tell me it was nothing.. just a bump. ( I have a few of those now) But I lived in fear that I had some awful cancer eating away at me. Why am I like this. So, now, I still am numb and my shoulder and back do still hurt. All of this is slowly receeding though, and I am deeply afraid that that doctor is going to tell me some life threatening thing and I will have to look at my children in a time lapse kind of way. I just need to give this up. I need to let God take all of it and just relax. Sometimes I can. I want to now...

I am going to Boston today with the 8th graders. It should be a fun trip...I hope my back deosn't bother me.

Politicians

I do not in any way like or trust politicians. Teaching, is oddly involved in this. Its not really teaching, it is more like Administration. I went to a meeting today and heard my Big Boss... tell me everything that I wanted to hear. I left thinking that I had actually heard absolutely nothing. I have no faith in politicians... nor do I have faith in the system in any way. I want to have faith in our new president. I did for a while... but I think that the system is so corrupt that I just can't. I have faith in my interaction with individual people. I have to think about what to write about this....maybe if I wake up tonight.... if.

(yay)

I slept through the night today!

its coming back... I think

I just woke up and Phoebe was apparently still up, she just wrote in her blog. Will my kids stay up this late? I think I am getting feeling back in my finger!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is definately still a bit numb but I think its less!!!!! Also, yes, I am still up, but the pain is not that bad right now. I think this is slipping. Oh Jesus, let this be slipping.

Hmm... lets talk about significant things... shall we. I think my new church is changing things in my life for the better. I went to a huge church for a while. Heritage Bible Chapel. It is big and evangelical and was fun. I played drums with musicians that had recorded serious cds and had been a part of rock bands for years. John Veto was the singular best musician that I have ever worked with and Kirsten Locke is something of a legend in folk music. And, they liked me. They liked my style and we had some serious fun. I do miss that a lot. I miss the practice and the learning that they provided. Hm... what else do I miss? I miss the invisibility given by being part of something that doesn't really notice you. I could sit and read a book during service... even a book that pop Christianity would hate, like Harry Potter, that I would take specifically into church to piss people off. (We could have a conversation about that for a long time) And still I could remain undisturbed.

So now, I am in a tiny little church that has just started. Cana Community Church, and, I am in no way invisible anymore. I don't play music anymore either. But, my new church is something that my old one couldn't touch... it is... a thinking person's church. It would embrace Harry Potter. We are watching the "Jesus Camp" movie at bible study tomorrow. This is a movie that was meant to cut evangelical Christianity to pieces. I hope it does. And my new church would love that cutting... would love the pruning. It is apologetic for all of the stupidity poored out of the Christian Church.... it doesn't hate gay people!! It would welcome them in without embarassment.. In short, it is matching me, thought for thought with what I thought about Christianity. Actually even more than that... its pushing me to rethink things.

Last Sunday, Dave (new pastor) said that all of these people claim to be Christians by ascribing to certain rules and practices and completely miss the central claim of Christ. Which is to love others as yourself. How can they call themselves Christians when they are not being Christians. He also stated that he can't even love his own family. Let me say that again, because it hurts, because it is true. He can't even love his own family.

The more I understand Christ's love, the more I understand how foriegn it is to what I do. I do love my family, but to be sacrificially loving it the way that I could be. To be that unselfish to them. I am not there. Christ called us all to be that unselfish with everyone we meet. WHAT!!! And I can not even understand how to do that. But that is what this new church is doing that the other one wasn't. The other was a fun club to be a part of. This one is pushing me past the definition, past the title. And, I am starting to understand why Christianity at large needs to be very embarrased by what it has become.

I, for one, am starting that apology.

back in black

3:30 But its ok. Its funny, I woke up 12 minutes ago and came out to get my medicine, and I was happy about it. It's odd, this midnight waking. In some ways, when I am better, I am going to miss it. It's just me and the light from this computer, and the hum of the refridgerator. Everyone here is soundly asleep. And I have this black hour.

I wake in the dark and remember
it is the morning when I must start
by myself on the journey
I lie listening to the black hour
before dawn and you are
still asleep beside me while
around us the trees full of night lean
hushed in their dream that bears
us up asleep and awake then I hear
drops falling one by one into
the sightless leaves and I
do not know when they began but
all at once there is no sound but rain
and the stream below us roaring
away into the rushing darkness.

That is Rain Travel by W. S. Merwin. It's one of my favorites. The trees here are full of night. My living room is and it's just barely being held at bay by the light from this computer and the yellow-green numbers on my cable box.

Today I decided to love Jenny even if she is pissy. (It was a big decision, I hope I can keep up with it).

5:00

Does 5:00 count as a whole night?? I think so!! That would be 10:30ish to 5:00.... YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel almost rested even! Some bad news though, I left Henry's window open in the car last night... so I am sure that his chair is soaked through... This reall does suck...omg, the papers were on the floor of his seat. I need to go and check them. hold on... Yup... soaked. Only about five of them are really bad though. great. fine... thats it.

3:15

Ok, so call it a set back... 3:15. I was going to take two vicotin tonight, but I was too scared. It is the recommended dosage but I have never taken it and I was afraid that it would slow my heart beat down to nothing... probably dumb but whatever.

I received news today from the doctor and I have no idea what to make of it. I have arthritis in my neck... What the hell is that!! I am glad that it isn't some tumor or something equally as awful, but arthritis is causing this, this up at 2, 3, 4 in the morning? I asked how to treat it and the lady (some girl named Michelle who isn't a doctor and in face I have no idea who she is because she only introduces herself on the phone as "Michelle") told me she would have to look into that and call me back. And here I am, up at 3:15 debating whether or not to take one or two vicotin so I can manage going back to sleep. I am going to look it up online... which I know could lead to all sort of misinformation. But hey, Michelle will probably never get back to me and I have to have some sort of idea, dont I?

I have tons... TONS of correcting to do. I want to get most of it done this weekend. This might entail going off to the library and forcing myself to do it in one big chunk. Jenny is working a bit tomorrow but that is it I think.

I pulled the first radish out of my garden today. It was amazing. Bright cherry red and beautiful. I didn't even wash it off, just thoroughly rubbed all of the dirt off and broke it in half to give jenny half. It was bright white inside and tasted smooth and buttery with a peppery aftertaste. Things that you buy in the supermarket do not taste anything like that beauty that comes out of my garden... not even close.

4:30 But it doesn't count

It doesn't count because I was also up for a tiny bit at 2:00. Still, not bad. My shoulder doesn't hurt as much as it used too. It still does hurt though, even right now it hurts. So, I am again waiting for the meds to kick in. This time I took two muscle relaxers and 4 motrin. So,I think that should help. I wonder if I will write in this blog when I finally sleep through the whole night again. I wonder if I will ever sleep through the whole night again.... it has been a while now.

You know what is weird? Reading about your job in the newspaper every week. Reading about peoples' animosity toward, and support of you in the same little article. It is like I am stuck right in the middle of a war that I have very little, personally to do with. The district had a school meeting that hundreds of people went to. the district is doing very bad things... they are eliminating art, music and gym from all of the elemetary schools. I am pissed about it. I really am. But, the towns refuse to fund the schools. It seems like they always have. So, what is the school supposed to do. I just feel like it is such a stupid argument. If you wan't those things in school, you are going to have to pay to have them. I just think that the idea that people have to pay teachers is repellent to most people and they think that we have to work for free. It is the same with police and town workers. People like to pretend that money just appears for those services. I am so upset that Henry may not get music and art in school. I am going to have to put him in classes outside of what school offers... which is a niche market right now by the way, if you want to make some money, make an after school program that teaches art and music for an hour...

One lady at the meeting delcared that the country is in a depression and that the teachers should feel the weight of that. OK... I understand her sentiment, but it isn't thought through very well. What I do is mandatory. Its not like a company that sells things and then can't sell as much because we are in a depression. There are still going to be kids coming to school in the middle of the depression, and in Rutland, that number is growing dramatically every year. Its like the trash guys, if you lay off the trash guys because there is a depression, all you get is more trash stinking up your yard. So, all you are really doing is changing the kind of education the kids recieve. And I hate the way that is changing. The teachers all voted to not recieve any raises next year...a thing that I voted for even though I am poor. I think that was a pretty big give on my part. It was actually huge but no one understands that.

There are also people that are supporters of education and they are passionate about that too. and in between all of this is me. And all I want to do is teach kids how to write better, and to be payed well for doing that in an environment that is good for it. It is a war that is going on. The school has no money and I keep reading the same sentence over and over.... "This is only the beginning."

3:46

This the latest I have slept in weeks!! It feels great! My shoulder is sore right now, but I have hope, and that is good. Wait, I found a cool picture.... hold on...

Its funny, I saw this yesterday and I thought, cool picture, but I had no idea it was applying to me. I could go into why its so fitting, but why ruin it. I am waiting until the vicotin numbs me enough to go back to bed, and I am hoping to sleep from say....4:30 to 7:00. That would be nice!!

Here are things that I must do.

Start consistantly doing the bills on Sundays... Jenny really doesn't want to do this anymore.

Correct all of the rest of the research papers this weekend. Even though its going to kill my hand.

Get into a cool photography class this summer.

Make certain my plans for another Masters at Clark the year after this coming one.

Tell Erik the list of failing kids by this Friday.

Play constructively with both kids more often.

Create a schedule for learning time with Henry that Jen can follow. (maybe I will do that now)

That's all I can think of right now... not bad really.

Oh, find more five college dance videos on You tube.... (they are so SO good)

signs of life

My hand tingles just now... I can't help but think that that is a good thing.... just thought I would write that down :)

Something old something new

Well, I almost slept through the night last night. I woke up at 2 again, and I took a vicotin and two motrin and a shower. Then I forced myself to lie down even though my shoulder hurt so bad. It still hurts right now.

I went to the hospital yesterday to have xrays. It was actually kind of fun. I liked being positioned by the tech and told to hold my breath. That tech was actually a really cool guy. He was an ex-construction worker, and he still spoke like one. He kept calling me "brother." "Alright brother, your gonna have to turn a little bit to the right now." He also kept forgetting which shoulder he should be xraying. When I pointed it out the first time, he quickly told me that he "used to do construction before this" and that he "didn't know what the hell he was doing." WOW a human in a hospital!! I didn't think that happened. There were actually two techs and the first one was what I would have expected: Zero affect, nondescript face, most likely gay. I was happy when he left, and I think the construction worker was as well.

My aunt Pauline was working at the hospital, in radiatioin, as well. She is so great. She has this demeanor that is so her and she is constant in it. It was nice to see her. She reminded me that I look a lot like my uncle Bruce that died a couple years ago. I do look like him... I wish a little less in the fat department... But I do. Hm.. another thing: Whenever I go to Gardner, which I did for the xrays, I realize that everyone kinda looks alike. I once told someone at college that they were from Gardner and I had no idea who they even were, and I was right. They all look alike... and, a little bit like me. Which I hate. Because I am not a fan of Gardner. I had a prof once describe Gardner as the armpit of Massachusetts. I completely agree. So, it is always a strange experience for me to go there. My whole family practically works in that hospital.

At any rate, I am going to find out the results of all of those xrays today hopefully. I went online and typed in the symptoms that I am having with my back (something that you should never do) and got all of the responses of herniated disks. I really pray that it is nothing like that. I just want feeling back in my finger and the constant pain to go away.

At Bible Study, two weeks ago, I asked why we should even pray to God for healing, because it doesn't seem like He heals us anyway. In my heart, I knew that I didn't totally agree with what I had said, Henry's lead poisoning was a pretty miraculous and I know that all good comes from Him. And now, I am in the exact position that I was describing, to some degree. I have pain that won't go away.

I do pray that He will take it away and that I won't have to have some awful surgery. I do believe in God and that He is active down here. So, what am I learning from this.... I have no idea right now. All I know, is that I ask for this to end and it hasn't yet. I am getting through it, but I am worried that this will be some thing that I have to suffer with for a long time.

That would be pretty awful.

I think.

notes from the twighlight

up at 2:20 again... tried to go right back to sleep after taking vicotin but arm hurt like a............. so to quote the great David Coverdale, "Here I go again".... :)

SingingFool.com - Whitesnake - Here I Go Again - Music Video

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ahh.... the 80's lol

Big and little

So, there is joy withing the sorrow, pleasure in the pain. Isn't this always the way it is. In "The Giver" the author says they are inseperable. I don't think that's true. My shoulder is aching and I am happy to be home with my kids. I am happy to see summer coming on like some mirage on the wavering horizon, and I won't be recieving a raise next year, and my health insurance may be up 30 percent which means I will make significantly less than I made last year... and I am poor right now. But summer is two weeks away.

:) Henry and Nora, as big as they are in my life. That little bit of blue between them is what is left of my freedom... and I would gladly see it vanish. There it goes, and I go down slipping into bondage, smiling, because I love them, and they smile back, and crowd out every bit of who I am without them.

I do love them both! They are in bed now. Henry is yelling across the room to Nora. I have no idea what about but I bet it is about some sort of joke that I wouldn't understand. Henry says that he is much funnier than I am, and he gets all offended when I say he isn't. I say that he makes jokes that don't make sense, and he says that I make jokes that he can't understand... same thing. I love them both. Nora is talking so much now... she and Henry are finally carrying on convesations. I have waited for them to be able to do this for a long time. They generally talk about scaring eachother or whether a food is yucky or not. It is really nice.

(2 more days of vicotin left)

I need it.. I think

I am wondering if I am becoming addicted to vicotin. I feel like I need one whenever my shoulder starts acting up. I think it is the looming threat of pain that drives me there. I do feel pretty pain free when I take one, for about three hours. Today, my shoulder started aching and I went for one, but I stopped myself and decided to just put up with the pain, just to show myself that I could go without one. Also, my prescription is running a bit low and I doubt they are going to give me more. Which brings up the next question, and a big fear of mine: When is this stupid pain and weakness going to go away? Also, what the heck is causing this? It came on so strangely, in the middle of the night, and it seems to be in one place in my arm and then another. My pointer finger of my right hand is partially numb, as is the top of my hand right before it.

I am starting to have those doubts, like, this isn't a pulled muscle or a pinched nerve. Like maybe it is something more sinister. It isn't surprising that I am thinking along these lines, I seem to gravitate there more time than not. But, it has been about two weeks now. I am better than when I started, but it is like a different thing now. Before, the pain was in my back behind my shoulder blade, now it is in my forearm and under my arm...plus the numbness. I went most of the day yesterday and today without pain medicine. The worst is when I wake up. It is awful and achey.----------------

Well I woke up. I started this at around 6ish... then I went to bed. Its 2:20 now and I have been up for a little over and hour. My shoulder hurt this time. I kept fantasizing that it was just that my shoulder was out of its socket and that I could push it back in, that there would be one big crack, a ton of pain, and that there would peace after that. But no, just hazy pain and aching. I am watching tivo'd fox news... don't ask why I tivo fox news, you wouldn't like the answer. I have to work tomorrow morning. I have massive amounts of research papers to correct.. I need to sleep. SLEEP PLEASE .............................................................................................................. I am going to try to go to bed again... the vicotin is kicking in.

Life comes and goes

I fell asleep on the living room floor about half an hour ago. I have been living this twighlight existance now for a couple weeks. I wake up a few times throughout the night and pace around, sometimes take a hot shower, sometimes take medicine, then, a half-an-hour later, I go back to bed. I have been waking up for the morning around 5 or 6ish. Then, I go to work. The muscles in my arm are so weak now. I have a hard time pushing doors open. I can't throw things with any amount of accuracy anymore, even across the room. It is so weird how this happened. Still, I have times during the day where it doesn't even hurt at all. It just feels a bit tight.

Henry learned how to use the point and click camera we have today. I came home and he proudly came running up and told me that he wanted to go out taking pictures of birds with me. Funny, I haven't done that at all this year. I am just waiting for my arm to come back. I am going to go to physical therapy in a couple of weeks.... will it still be bad then?? I might go to a chiropractor before that.

I am not sure how I feel about them. They seem like so much less of a science to me. Still, I have to do something. I have weened myself off of the muscle relaxers and the motrin. So now all I have is vicotin and pain tolerance. I have these tomato plants that are so huge and just need to get transplanted into the garden, but I can't get myself to risk the injury. It might be fine, but it might set things back to the beginning, which would be .... b a d.

Jenny cooked spicy stringbeans and chinese sausage over rice today for supper and it was really good. Nora is avoiding getting a diaper change. Henry is wandering aimlessly around the house, I am on this laptop and Jenny is taking care of Nora... Life is pretty normal.

pain and toil

I am still in some pain, but it seems like the slope to recovery is steeper here. So, this entry is going to be little because my shoulder hurts while I sit and I have to wait half an hour to take a vicotin.

The main and awful thing that happened today is that a few teachers got laid off or potentially laid off, or told not to come back. It is an awful thing and I was witness to the heartbreak... really the heartbreak... of someone that I liked a lot. It is the first time that this has really happened around me and it really is an awful thing. I am not going to get specific about anything out of respect for their privacy. But I felt my stomach drop and empathizing with them about this real tragedy is really awful. In a time when work is so hard to find, being laid off is more than I can imagine. And now, those people have to report right back to work tomorrow. I don't know how I would do it. There have been times when I have had that sinking feeling in my stomach pretty severely and to come right back and pretend that nothing happened and face everyone just seems beyond my imagination.

I stood and didn't know what to say except that I was so sorry. So I kept saying it over and over again. It was a pretty awful day. And I am at a loss.

I am here

Here I am, sitting in my living room at 2:27 in the morning. I have not slept a full night for over a week. I pulled a muscle in my back and have taken more medicine than I have ever taken in my life, which is really saying something based on the chemical dependence my mother has. I am sitting here feeling irrelevant. I can blame this on a couple of things, one being the Vicodin that I just took. The other is that I work with kids and kids are innately self centered. I exist for one year, or in some cases a few, and then I fade away. And as I grow older, I fade more quickly... orbiting away from the center of their universes into the dark spaces.

I feel overshadowed by petty things, which is not a good feeling. I am going to write some songs soon... I can tell. I have an idea for a concept album. It is from the point of view of an elderly woman, looking back on her life. I think the title will have to be something like "An ode to Edna." or something similar. I was asked to jam with a band that meets in webster recently. "Pink-floydish and bent on world domination" he said. It seemed like a good time... but my time isn't my own anymore. My own Kids have taken that away and I certainly wouldn't be willing to give the time that is meant for them to the long haired boy that I met in Rutland pharmacy that wanted me to jam in Webster three times a week. The band's name is MAAR... and he said it like "MAAAARRRRR" I have his number magentically stuck to my refridgerator. I will never call it. But... someone actually asked me to Jam with their band...do you know how long it has been since I have even thought of something like that happening.

(irrelevant)

Tomorrow I will go to school, this time, not on a Vicotin, because that was in absolutely no way pleasant, and I will teach my students how to write critiques. They will probably use that information all the way through college in one form or another. And still, I feel irrelevant. Because, although they laugh, and are there, and are concerned, I will not be a part of their lives for the rest of their lives. And they know that above all else. I do have two kids of my own. And in that way they define me. But they don't really know that now. And so, my reflection is being lost.
I am writing in a blog for god sakes. Spitting my ideas into the maelstrom of people that are somehow like me. trying to find an audience that cares in some way. Waiting for a comment, like an answer from the universe proving somehow that there is life out there. Maybe someone with a similar understanding. And it would feel good to know that I am not alone here, at 2:47, sitting at my computer in the living room, waiting for the Vicotin to numb me enough to go back to bed.

blip blip blip blip............................................nothing.