Here I am, sitting in my living room at 2:27 in the morning. I have not slept a full night for over a week. I pulled a muscle in my back and have taken more medicine than I have ever taken in my life, which is really saying something based on the chemical dependence my mother has. I am sitting here feeling irrelevant. I can blame this on a couple of things, one being the Vicodin that I just took. The other is that I work with kids and kids are innately self centered. I exist for one year, or in some cases a few, and then I fade away. And as I grow older, I fade more quickly... orbiting away from the center of their universes into the dark spaces.
I feel overshadowed by petty things, which is not a good feeling. I am going to write some songs soon... I can tell. I have an idea for a concept album. It is from the point of view of an elderly woman, looking back on her life. I think the title will have to be something like "An ode to Edna." or something similar. I was asked to jam with a band that meets in webster recently. "Pink-floydish and bent on world domination" he said. It seemed like a good time... but my time isn't my own anymore. My own Kids have taken that away and I certainly wouldn't be willing to give the time that is meant for them to the long haired boy that I met in Rutland pharmacy that wanted me to jam in Webster three times a week. The band's name is MAAR... and he said it like "MAAAARRRRR" I have his number magentically stuck to my refridgerator. I will never call it. But... someone actually asked me to Jam with their band...do you know how long it has been since I have even thought of something like that happening.
(irrelevant)
Tomorrow I will go to school, this time, not on a Vicotin, because that was in absolutely no way pleasant, and I will teach my students how to write critiques. They will probably use that information all the way through college in one form or another. And still, I feel irrelevant. Because, although they laugh, and are there, and are concerned, I will not be a part of their lives for the rest of their lives. And they know that above all else. I do have two kids of my own. And in that way they define me. But they don't really know that now. And so, my reflection is being lost.
I am writing in a blog for god sakes. Spitting my ideas into the maelstrom of people that are somehow like me. trying to find an audience that cares in some way. Waiting for a comment, like an answer from the universe proving somehow that there is life out there. Maybe someone with a similar understanding. And it would feel good to know that I am not alone here, at 2:47, sitting at my computer in the living room, waiting for the Vicotin to numb me enough to go back to bed.
blip blip blip blip............................................nothing.
2 comments:
I can tell you that now that I am older and have matured some that my relationship with my mum and dad has expectedly changed greatly. I mean, of course I am thankful for all they do and now realize how much they sacrifice for my life and well being, but that's not the only recognition I think they deserve. I don't know what it is.. But, there is something very rewarding about having someone care for you beyond comprehension, in any relationship. It's something I think we all strive for and when your kids are old enough they'll have the same feeling. And you'll be able to feel them feeling it.
I know that I have been very lucky to have such a wonderful life laid ahead of me, and I truly believe that you have impacted it!! I can remember being an immature 8th grader doing our daily writing prompts and hating it because I never had anything to say. I never shared my entries because I thought I was stupid. But look at me now, I write in a blog daily for other people to read! I wanted to improve and so much of that comes with time. For you to be constantly surrounded by people in a stage of their lives where petty things constitute their days must be discouraging. As if all your work is taken for granted? But if we had never done those writing prompts, who knows if I would have wanted to become a better writer or if I would have wanted to dye my hair blonde .. Realize that you are one of the only teachers I've had whose cared this much about their students. Think about other teachers who just send their kids on their way without stopping to think if they'll even be in their lives again. That's one of the reasons why today I am here typing this to you. Because you care.. I care. Extending that to your students is one of the only things you CAN do. And sometimes that one year will be the only time they will need you. But in other cases, like with Kathryn and myself you can spawn friendships.
Ah Kelsey Lee... You are my friend. And I believe it. It is a difficult thing to have. You came from this little group of students, and its difficult for a student to realize that a teacher is even human. That's why when you see a teacher at the supermarket it looks so strange. So I stand up in front of these kids and I know that half of them, maybe more, have no idea that I am a person. I try to show them and some of them get it.
Its one of the reasons I have mixed feelings about reading your blogs. If I were just a person, then I could read without hindering what you would write. You could swear your ass off and I would be fine, you could rant up a storm, and I would understand. But teachers are this different thing that you have to be proper in front of. And I so desperately don't want to be that. But I am treated like that everyday, and sometimes I start to believe it. But I am human, and starving and desperate for life.
Kels, I had no idea that anyone even knew about this blog. I had so many and I just started writing in this thing again a couple of days ago. After a couple years of neglect I was inspired by the few of you guys that are doing this.
Its nice to hear that you think of me as a person. And it means a lot that you think of me as a friend.
You were never stupid in any way by the way: brilliant and willing.
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