A long time ago.. when I was young, I remember going to the doctor... doctor Miller... and just dying about everything. He called me a worrywort. That was his term. I would cry when he took out the toung depressor. I would literally ball when I had to get a shot. What was I afraid of. I think it has something to do with being invaded. I have this life, and I want so badly to enjoy it, and I don't want anything to come and knock it over.
I was thinking today that I didn't want to die soon because I don't want Henry to have to grow up without me. It sounds dramatic, but it isn't in my head. It's real. I used to think that I wouldn't live past 30... if I could just make it to thirty than I would be ok. It is awful to feel this kind of thing threatening my life. I don't want it to be.
When I was 14 I found a tumor in my back near my spine. I could feel it with my fingers, a bump, under my skin, just sitting there. It took me years to go to the doctor to have him tell me it was nothing.. just a bump. ( I have a few of those now) But I lived in fear that I had some awful cancer eating away at me. Why am I like this. So, now, I still am numb and my shoulder and back do still hurt. All of this is slowly receeding though, and I am deeply afraid that that doctor is going to tell me some life threatening thing and I will have to look at my children in a time lapse kind of way. I just need to give this up. I need to let God take all of it and just relax. Sometimes I can. I want to now...
I am going to Boston today with the 8th graders. It should be a fun trip...I hope my back deosn't bother me.
2 comments:
I know what you mean, man. The fear of pain, of disaster, of dying, of death. I face it all the time myself. It really is one of the most stressful things! And I hate worrying about it. I just want to be able to keep my chin up as they say. It's like when you know someone who is really depressed in a really serious way. Most of the time they aren't even sure what they are depressed about, which makes them more depressed. But you just want to tell them to cheer up! And they want to as well, but they can't. I think I feel that way about pain and death. I know thinking about it won't slow or hasten my passing, but I do anyway. I don't want to die. I'm really young, I have things I want to do. I want to finish school, I want to fall in love, get married, go places, I don't know. I want more experiences and it scares me speechless at times that I probably won't have as many as most of the people I know. I lose sleep over it. I'm pretty sure I know where you're coming from.
Thanks Si :)
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