First Snow

As I grow older, I have really come to see the first snow as something magical... or maybe its the influence of all those "Calvin and Hobbes" books that I have.

I have beautiful memories about being outside in the snow... the common thread in almost all of them is the silence. After all of the sledding is done and exhaustion had thoroughly set in, we always laid there, back in sled, and let the snow fall on us. The silence then was comforting.

Even more so, in the deep woods, when I would go tracking for deer. I would go across the street and would inevitably find deer tracks. Then I would follow them for as far as I could. There were fifty acres of uninterupted woods across the street from my parents house, and once led inside, the other world was lost. leaves, snow, dark tree trunks and silence.

Nora and Henry have a lot to look forward to.

pick it up, put it in, throw away the bag.

I helped to insulate the upstairs yesterday. My friend Tony, who is an insulator, came over and as a favor, insulated the upstairs of my house. So we are that much closer to having an upstairs. It is all VERY exciting. It would be even more exciting if we had the money to do it. But, thank God, Tony is doing this as a favor, and we are getting a very professional job done up there. Any way, at one point, he needed help and my job for a couple hours was to load bales of mulched up, treated newspaper product into a hopper while be blew it into the walls upstairs. It reminded me of some of the jobs I had before I was a teacher and I thought that I would write a little about them.

My first job, while I was a sophomore in highschool, was working at "Olsons," a restaurant in East Templeton. I was a dishwasher. My neighbor Greg got me the job there. The owner was an interesting guy. I don't remember much except for a deep loathing that I had for the man because, weekly, he also demanded that the dishwashers come to his house and mow the lawn. Even then I knew that was kind of sketchy. I can't remember quitting that job. I think I just stopped going. And that was Olsons.

My second job was at a Supermarket in Gardner. It was called the "Food Farm." I worked their for exactly one week. I had no idea what to do socially. I remember the first day I asked another employee where to find some food item that a customer was looking for and they gave me crap about it. So I didn't ask from that point forward and got fired for being a "know-it-all." I also had a woman with a beard ask me where the cherries were. She really had a beard, it's burned into my my memory.

My third job... god what was my third job... I remember a few crash and burn jobs...I worked in the video section of Stop and Shop... but I don't think that was my third job... Oh, got it, I worked at "Horse and Buggy Feeds" in Winchendon. This was an interesting job. It covered a whole assortment of things, feeding tiny chickens, quails and ducks (my favorite part), repotting plants, getting sacks of grain. I ended up liking this job a bit, but I got fired for some unknown reason. They accused me of stealing some flowers. WHAT?? I am still offended at this. Then they fired me for wearing the wrong shoes. That was that. I was kind of hurt by that because, A. I kind of enjoyed the job, and B. I didn't steal anything! I did however lose about 10 baby chicks by knocking over the warming table by mistake. They ran everywhere..."peep" peep" just everywhere and I was trying to keep them quiet while chasing down every last one of them. The owner did end up coming down stairs and seeing me desperately chasing them down. Maybe that's why he canned me... who knows

more later.

Mark Twain

I went and saw an actor portray Mark Twain last night. It was pretty incredible really. I had forgotten the power that that man had. His essays are a beautiful mix of biting sarcasm and incredibly strong message. I can't believe how relevant his writing still is. Some of it went over my head, if I am honest. Still, I was really moved by his words. Here is one of the things said that really impacted me.

"O Lord our Father, our young patriots, idols of our hearts, go forth to battle -- be Thou near them! With them -- in spirit -- we also go forth from the sweet peace of our beloved firesides to smite the foe. O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it -- for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.

He was really an amazing man. I was very happy to have gone last night.

db

Sunday

I guess Jenny is getting sick. She is back in bed after initially getting up with the kids. I stayed up too late again last night. I really need to get to bed early enough to get eight hours of sleep. That is the goal. Today, we are going to church, then Jen is supposed to go back to work at 3. I am thinking that neither of those things are going to happen. She seemed kind of miserable... but she always seems miserable in the morning. What is up with morning and night people anyway. I am definitely a morning person. I wonder what all of that is really about. I have this ideal in my mind. I can picture getting up early and watching the house grow light. I like to have all of my ducks in a row before the day actually starts. I really do accomplish that a good amount of time too. The only thing that stands in the way is when I am tempted into staying up too late, like last night. It might be a tv show like Destination Truth, that comes on at 10:00, or, maybe the kids were crazy and I can finally hear myself think. I don't know. Optimally I would be going to be before 10, something like 9:30, and I would get up at 5:30. Then I would leave at 6:50 to get to work for 7.

Today is undecided. Sometimes I like em that way.

db

machine head

I woke at six this morning without an alarm. It means a couple things to me. I really like not hearing the alarm and I am always kind of in awe that my head knows what time it is. It also means that school is officially controlling me. Its ok though, people's job control them and that my friend is the way it is. It was below 60 degrees in this house this morning and I turned on the heat. Jenny is sadistic about not turning on the heat but too freaking bad! It was really cold. It takes a while for our house to heat up because of the radiant heat so it is still really cold in here. I love waking before the rest of everyone is up. It is this silent time.

It wasn't even really light out yet. Jenny just told me today that summer isn't officially over yet. I find that pretty hard to believe. The leaves are changing and I am in the mood for fall. Picking apples, baking goods, cool nights, indian summers. It is all really nice. Not to mention the lack of mosquitoes. That might just be the best part. I have to get myself going with my photography class. I am not treating it like a class at all. I haven't even bought the book. I haven't started working on the assignment due tomorrow, which will be a still life. I have two ideas for it, one involving my chess set, and one involving wine and infidelity. Nora woke up about five minutes ago frantically looking for her binky. I have no idea how I am going to ween her off of that thing.

I wake early

It is really dark out still. The whole house is sleeping, just like I like it. I taught on word symbology yesterday and it is one of my favorite things to teach on. Today I am going to a wedding, and something before that that I can't remember.

I have been back to work now for about a week and a half, and I have to say that I really like what I do. I am staying in school till four every day now just to keep caught up on all of the peripheral things and it is great. I miss my kids but not terribly. I know they are going to be there when I get home. I really like my classes this year. I am having former students come back almost every day and that really makes me happy. Things are good.

I am going to my new photography class Monday night. I can't wait to see if it is something that is going to benefit me or not. It better for $800.

Hmm... nothing much this morning then.

db

6:30

Its 6:30.

I have been staying up past 11:00 every night this week. I need to stop. But, Destination Truth was on last night and I have completely forgotten how much I love that show. I LOVE that show! If you can you should definately watch a webisode of the show that ran last night. Completely entertaining. But now I am tired.

Yesterday was such a misfire. Its going to be hard to even describe. I went to school and had no idea that I wasn't supposed to be there and that they had hired a sub to take my class that day. I was supposed to be doing some Literacy Initiative training in Paxton. crazy.... so I had to throw something together for the sub and then fly to paxton. I ended up getting there early but was completely misjointed throughout the entire thing, then I came back to school at 3:00 and went to a meeting that lasted till 4:10. I came screaming home because Jenny had an appointment at 4:00 that I was supposed to watch the kids for, but Henry's bus had broken down and he didn't get home till 4:20, about two minutes before I got home. I passed Jenny driving past me in an attempt to get the kids to me at school. Fortunately I saw her and flashed her down. She turned around and gave me the kids at home. I then had to go back to school for a PTO meeting at 6:30 that lasted till 8:00. Then home again..... I don't like days like this..... I spent so long in meetings... I hate meetings. You might think that meeting would be nice. But they are mostly pointless, unless you count having all sorts of free time to draw in my notebook worthwhile. I kind of do, but the meetings themselves, not so much. I drew a deconstructed cow.

I really did.

reverb love song.

I went to visit a friend that I haven't seen really in about twenty years or so today. He was my best friend in highschool. It was actually really nice, surreal, but nice. He was the lead singer of our band, lol. He is still singing and way into the band scene, which I actually admire. I have to say, the thing that I left admiring the most about Kris was that he was completely true to himself. He is, pretty much who he was in the 10th grade. Who can say that? I certainly am not. I completely changed. But yeah. He was really nice. There were far too many people there and I could see that he was struggling with paying attention to them all, especially when his "work" friend showed up. He had a big house with toys everywhere: course for various four wheelers and dunebuggy, complete jam room, on an on. I feel like it was kind of a collection of things that he wanted when he was younger and there they all were in his dream home.

It made me think hard about what I really want. What is my dream future? Am I living it, or at least toward it? I think to some degree I am. I always envisioned myself in a cute small house. But the one that I was in had a lot more "scope for the imagination." It had things like a view and a natural quaintness that lived there.

I had a hard time seeing my house as that house when we first had it built. There are a lot of things that have to happen to my land and house to make that come true. I keep running into financial walls. but we have only been here for going on three years. And before that there was woods here. I guess that is progress.

I think above everything, I want a house that breathes well-being. I want to be able to see my kids grow into mature, thinking and caring people. I want to bring real beauty out. And somehow, I want it all to be connected to the land around me.

So, thanks Kris, for being so kind, and also for making me consider.

of canticles and stones

Yesterday was unique. I am constantly finding myself pushed beyond what I feel comfortable doing. Well, maybe not constantly, but a lot. Here is how it went. I went to the church with Jenny and there were a couple other people there. We waited and after about ten minutes My friend Dave's kids showed up along with the other people that were going to be there to witness the renewing of their vows. Dave and Jen weren't there yet. The whole time I was crazy nervous that I was going to forget the words to the song. And, I wanted to hear how my voice was going to bounce around the inside of that church, which was pretty much just stone, dirt and wood. But I was too embarrassed to just sing in front of the few people that I didn't know that were wandering around the church grounds. So I pretty much just walked by myself and tried to sing here and there.

Dave and Jen did show up, and I think Jen was semi surprised. Everyone was dressed pretty casually. I was just wearing what I wore to school. They walked into the church and talked a little bit, but things got down to business pretty quick. The Pastor brought the six of us to attention and held the service. It was short, Dave read from "The Little Prince." They repeated their vows and it was my turn. I sang Harvest Moon low and probably at medium volume. The Pastor thought I had finished after the first verse and jumped in, and I didn't mind it at all. It actually sounded a lot better than I thought it would. I love that I did it, but I am so happy to have it done.

Its so weird that I can sing. I really can too. I am just not the singing type. I don't like to do things like that in public, but I am always roped into doing it. I am so much happier on the drums, or even guitar. Still, I have sung, by myself, in front of almost a thousand people, I have sung semi-regularly in front of a crowd of five hundred. I have been the lead singer in a rock group and just with me on acoustic. It is the weirdest thing in my life.

The best part of yesterday was going back to Dave's house and having a cheese and wine party after everything was done. He really knows wine and cheese!!

Riding not riding

I am riding my bike today. No, actually, I don't think I am.

That has been my morning. And, I have to memorize a song, that I am going to sing, without any instrumentation at an abandoned church with four people, including me, standing in it at the renewing of a friends vows.... in two days. I like the idea of singing in an abandoned church, but, the actuality of it, is s c a r e y.

Half an hour before

Here is what I am thinking. I don't want to ride my bike past former students because I always look so stupid riding the thing. I am not one of those svelte bikers in black spandex suits that zip past. I am actually the exact antithesis of that. So, yeah, I don't want to do that, but I think I am going to have to. I am excited to see my students. I am excited to get this year going. I hope I am helping my body by biking not destroying it. I am nervous to read the names of the students in my homeroom out loud because I am not sure how to pronounce them yet. I want this year to be better than last and last was pretty good from a "my own class" perspective. I don't really want to eat oatmeal but I think somehow it will give me energy for my bike ride. I want Henry to have a really positive experience at school. I want them to love him like I do. I want Jen to walk away from today stronger than she was. I want the bus to drop Henry off at our house and not get him lost somewhere. I want Henry not to be bothered by a bunch of new kids and noise. I don't want him to zone out an mumble things because there is too much going on around him. I don't want him to be lonely.

I think that is it for what is on my mind right now.

I am going to go make some oatmeal.

tomorrow

I am ready

I am ready

I am ready

I am ready

I am ready

full circle

I am waking up again. I can tell myself roughly when to wake up and most of the time I am pretty accurate. Actually, most of the time I am dead on, right to the minute. 6:00. That is my time. The kids don't wake till between 7 and 8. Jenny won't wake up till between 9 and 10. So this is my hour. I joined a site that is being hosted by the Western Mass Writing Project, something that a few of my fellow bloggers will most likely become familiar with this year. Its for teachers and its about their writing..... not their students. Its so nice to be treated as an individual with talent, not just a person with 100 or so teenagers hanging off of them like clothing.

I love it. I posted a journal entry and got real feedback. I actually had goosebumps reading all of the responses. Writer to writer. So nice.

Also, I just got done reading my little blog route and am so happy to see my first group of seniors become freshmen. It is special to me, because although for some reason, unlike me, most of them enjoyed high school, I found myself in college, and they are going there. Kat is going to be at Smith, and I went to Smith all the time and had lots of friends there. Phoebe is somewhat pessimistically going to UMASS. I feel like that is where I became me. I wonder if she is going to be able to sift through all of the stuff there and do the same. It is a special feeling for me and I think I am really going to be the only one that really understands what I am feeling. I am excited though.

My goals for this year are to be more in touch with myself as a writer, with my students along the way, and to be proactive in the "school"stuff that I have to do, you know, paper work and stuff as well as contacting parents. I am going to have a rule about being quiet in the beginning of class this year. I am a little scared that it will stifle some of the aspects of class that I enjoy, but sometimes the kids go too far and really waste some time in the beginning, and truth be told, I find it wicked annoying to try and calm down a bunch of talking kids. So, quiet until after the completion of the writing prompt, or, no writing prompt. That's the way it will go.

Henry becomes a student this year.

This is more frightening and exciting than you could ever imagine. He is being thrown into the centrifuge of semi-adult hood. I have seen so many kids blossom and be killed by this thing. I am scared to death for Henry and also so happy to see him take this big step. It is only kindergarten, and half day at that, but it is the step. I just hope he finds good friends.

very very early

Nora woke me at 4:00 this morning and I was unable to go back to sleep. I really tried too. My best trick for this is to imagine walking through the woods across the street from my parent's house. My father owns fifty acers of uninterupted woods, and I remember these woods in incredible detail, the smells, the transitions of trees, the slope and hills of the paths we created, everything. Generally, a mental walk through those woods is enough to capture my thoughts and lull me back to sleep. But not tonight. Tonight I thought of the premise of a short story that I am going to write. (its about a huge beech tree that was actually way up the hill behind my parents house. I am going to relocate it and make it a lot bigger). I even came up with a name for the story: A Convergence. So, instead of being lulled back to sleep, I am now up way too early and will write for the next couple of hours...... not a bad trade off actually.

rain and mornings

I got up early today. I sleep in increments. If I can get six hours sleep and then wake up, I feel great. Also, If I get eight hours sleep and then get up I feel a tiny bit better. Anything other than those two and I feel awful. Today was a six hour day and I got up nicely before anyone in my house. I did hear Nora kind of mumble something a bit ago. Jen worked last night and she isn't home yet. I don't know why she submits herself to working at night. I did it for two years while I was in college and it really messes with your head. Or at least it did with mine. I don't think she likes it either. She will be home in about half an hour.

Its raining outside right now. I love that. I don't have anything overly special planned for today. The plumber isnt coming so I don't have to be home for that. Jen is going to sleep till about noon when she comes home. I think I will take the kids somewhere this morning. It will have to be inside I guess. Even if the rain stops the grass will probably be to wet for them to roll around in. I have to buy some school clothes, pants really. Maybe I will go to the pseudomall with the kids and let them marvel at all of the stuff they can't have...(get used to it). Actually, they don't really care about that stuff they just like running around in the mall. I have great kids. No fits about things they can't have etc.

I bought plants for my classroom this year, so I guess I will be one of those type of teachers.

its hot in here....

I have two other hidden blogs. They're private. I have one that I have been writing in for two years, for Henry, and one that is a bit shorter for Nora. I plan on giving them to them when they are in their twenties. I write to them like I would write to someone my age. I love my kids. Henry is changing more everyday. He has a real noble spirit. He is so scared of everything though. Nora, is the opposite, so far, in both ways. She isn't afraid of anything at all. But man can she be sneaky and coniving. I keep hoping that it is only because she is in her two's. I really think it is. She isn't always that way. A lot of the time she is sweet and fun. But she really does have that dark side to her. I hope it doesn't show up again in her teens. We had fun today. I went swimming in one of our neighbors pools. It was a salt water pool... how cool is that!! No chlorine!.

It was nice and summery. We also have no real plans for tomorrow. I think I just want to stay home and get things done around the house. We did all sorts of things this summer... or at least more than we did last summer.

I love my kids. I love my family and I really look forward to the rest of my life with them.

Hmmm.. ok

I feel like blogging again. Apparently I have had a good enough break. Its the end of summer. A couple weeks, a normal man's vacation. Then I am back to work. I can't wait. I kinda wish it was now! I have some............ IDEAS. I have done so freaking much this summer, its crazy. All the while, I am maintaining my garden. Its this back-burner calm in my mind. I can go crazy painting the bathroom, freak out cleaning the cellar, try to understand how to frame in the tub upstairs, and all the while my tomatoes are slowly growing bigger and bigger, just a little day by day. They are beautiful, heirloom, brandywines. What a beautiful word, brandywine. I have never tasted one, but supposedly they are the holy grail of tomatoes. And, I have so many of them. I also have a whole row of cilantro. I never liked cilantro until I tasted and smelled fresh cilantro. I have fresh thyme, oregano and sage. I also have butternut squash, leeks, celery, two carrots :), English cucumbers, (the only fruit that I have harvested yet) and I think that's it. Oh, radishes... tons of radishes. Its was really nice to grow all of these. My back/neck almost ended my garden this year. Oh, btw, I had my neurologist appointment two days ago. I actually ruptured a disk in my neck... that means, some of the viscous fluid in my spine, shot out into the area outside of it and put tons of pressure on the surrounding nerves. No wonder I was in pain. Also, thank God I am out of it now.

I went to my yearly physical right after the neurologist. I have a female general practitioner. I chose that on purpose because guys are so sexist. So anyway, my ekg was slightly abnormal, which means my WPW is still kinda there. I freaked out a little but she said it was the same as last year. I don't know. it isn't bothering me anymore, and I just wish it were really gone. You would have to go way into the archives of this blog to find the entry in which I was pronounced cured. She also said that it may be just the way my heart looks, it may "be your heart David." I knew that was somewhat profound when she said it and I shrugged it off. If I live the rest of my life with a slightly different ekg than the rest of the world and it doesn't really affect me, so be it. I just have to get over this one bump, (being told its still there) and I will be fine.

I put our AC unit in our window yesterday. I have a love/hate relationship with that brownish box. I am happy that it makes the house somewhat cooler. But its loud and ugly and blocks sunlight from that window. I wanted to go the whole year without it. I couldn't. It was friggen hot out yesterday!! And it will be again today so they say. I washed the front of our house today. Its nice and clean! I have never washed a house before and I didn't even know I could. But, our house was looking kind of mangy, and I looked it up online, and it was possible. So, much better now, and it wasn't even that hard. Just a brush, water, dish soap, and a long handle, how hard could that be?

Shane Couming offered me flowers in my email this morning. I don't think anybody that reads this knows him, but that is very funny. Student last year, brilliant. His father rode his bike past our house and noticed that there weren't any flowers etc in the front of our house, he was clipping his and Shane offered me the clippings. All in all, that was pretty nice, minus the embarrassment of having a noticeably barren front-of-house. My yard is a wastebasket of second rate grass. I want to have a nice yard, I just have no money to make one. There are a lot of things like that about owning a house and having no money. Well, the plumber is coming all week to install both heating and ....um... plumbing I guess, in the upstairs so we are that much closer to have livable rooms up there.

Kind of a varied post....its been a while I guess.

David Thorne is my hero!

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.19pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,
Our records indicate that your account is overdue by the amount of $233.95. If you have already made this payment please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.37pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,
I do not have any money so am sending you this drawing I did of a spider instead. I value the drawing at $233.95 so trust that this settles the matter.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.07am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,
Thankyou for contacting us. Unfortunately we are unable to accept drawings as payment and your account remains in arrears of $233.95. Please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.32am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,
Can I have my drawing of a spider back then please.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.42am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear David,
You emailed the drawing to me. Do you want me to email it back to you?

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.56am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,

Yes please.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 12.14pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Attached

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 09.22am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Whose spider is that?

Dear Jane, Are you sure this drawing of a spider is the one I sent you? This spider only has seven legs and I do not feel I would have made such an elementary mistake when I drew it.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.03am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Whose spider is that?

Dear David, Yes it is the same drawing. I copied and pasted it from the email you sent me on the 8th. David your account is still overdue by the amount of $233.95. Please make this payment as soon as possible.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.05am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Automated Out of Office Response

Thankyou for contacting me. I am currently away on leave, traveling through time and will be returning last week.

Regards, David.

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.08am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Hello, I am back and have read through your emails and accept that despite missing a leg, that drawing of a spider may indeed be the one I sent you. I realise with hindsight that it is possible you rejected the drawing of a spider due to this obvious limb ommission but did not point it out in an effort to avoid hurting my feelings. As such, I am sending you a revised drawing with the correct number of legs as full payment for any amount outstanding. I trust this will bring the matter to a conclusion.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 2.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Dear David, As I have stated, we do not accept drawings in lei of money for accounts outstanding. We accept cheque, bank cheque, money order or cash. Please make a payment this week to avoid incurring any additional fees.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 3.17pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

I understand and will definately make a payment this week if I remember. As you have not accepted my second drawing as payment, please return the drawing to me as soon as possible. It was silly of me to assume I could provide you with something of completely no value whatsoever, waste your time and then attach such a large amount to it.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Tuesday 14 Oct 2008 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Attached

Back from a distance

I haven't written in a while. Reading back a bit, I seem to have been on a low swing of sorts. My Birthday was great. I had two beautiful students actually come to my house with a cake for me...no kidding... crazy kids :D My wife dropped the negativity. She seemed happy with the gift she got me, a fact that meant more to me than the gift itself. Although, it certainly is a nice little Ipod touch. WE had lobster rolls and my kids were happy for me. Nice all the way around. Its funny, after writing fairly regularly for a while, its difficult to pick it back up again, because its hard to know what to write about.

My back saga continues. I am still going to physical therapy (I just went today). But I feel a thousand times better. I am going to see the Neurosurgeon in august... I love physical therapy, even though it hurts a bit. I can't believe how much better I feel.

I am reading a book right now that is kind of capturing my mind in ways that I like and dislike. I am reading a book about Jack the Ripper, by Patricia Cornwell. She spent over a million of her own dollars to solve the case of who the heck the guy was, and I think, and she thinks, that she nailed it down to this artist, Walter Sickert. It is really interesting to read, but the accounts of the murders are so freaking greusome. I don't even like to let my mind go there... dismemberment, etc... I have learned a ton about serial killers. More than I want to know, but I can't seem to stop reading it. I have also learned a ton about prostitution, both now and in the early 1800's. It is truly an awful thing.

hmm. I guess that is it for now. I am back in the swing of things.

Tomorrow's my birthday... da da da da da...

Tomorrow I will be 38.

maybe....

My dating anniversary...

It came and went... no mention of it... nothing. I feel a bit strange writing about this knowing that a couple former students are reading this... but If I am not honest than what am I writing about anyway.

Sometimes, many times, marriage is so hard. Today, and the past few days, have been some of those. It is always hard in the beginning of the summer because I come home and intrude on Jenny's time alone. But man, I still hate it. We both knew it was our dating anniversary. Neither of us mentioned it once. Jenny pretty much said she hated the fact that my Birthday is coming up, and she didn't really want to buy me a gift. I told her not to and she said that she didn't want to feel guilty about not buying me one later. So, life goes on right?

There are these dark areas of marriage that no one talks about that are so friggin awful. You trust your whole well being to someone, and that is no small thing, and some times its not really worth it. But, I am in it for the long run. So I just duck and move forward, hoping that tomorrow looks better than today

I don't think I could, actually

Alright... fess up time. I just watched an episode of "So you Think You Can Dance." And, that is not the confession. :) I will watch that show, and it is fun to watch, I don't consider it serious dance... (and I have seen serious dance) but for what it is, it is fun to watch sometimes. Occasionally there will be a piece that strikes me as something to really think about. Here is the confession, I actually cried... not full blown cry, cry, but cried at a piece tonight. It was set to gravity, by Sara Bareilles, whom I am learning to like a lot, and was about addiction. It really moved me, the hardness of the dark figure behind this girl that struggled and gave and fell loose and rigid, something about the control, all of it seemed so genuine and dark.

I feel like that sometimes, tamed by everything around me, tied down by everything I've made. Maybe not addicted, but close, definitely out of control. I realized a few years ago that I have the capacity to not become involved in life. I am not talking about my failure to go skydiving here. I am saying that I can hide away and watch it all from a distance. I did so for years. It was during that time that I became lonely. Again, not on the surface, but way in. Even recently, I realized that I was letting everything slide away again. Not participating, smile, slide, walk away. It's like life as act I. I think that is the biggest danger I succumb to. And I do so regularly. I could live in my house, watch my kids grow old, and never leave or veer their course. Maybe not for the course of their entire lives, but for a day, sure, done that. I get so sad about it too. I fear that they are learning to do things on their own, not because they can, but because they have to. I sit and read, or use the computer, or do nothing, and they ask to me play with them (become involved with me Dad) and I don't. It actually happened in the beginning of today. I rallied after lunch, and cleaned the whole freaking house up because of it, but it was there. I don't really even know what that is. I just watch...

I hate that rigid thing that holds me here, ties me down to apathy (not apathy) uninvolvement, self centered, defensive, safe, and dying. I want so bad to let the world happen with me. To sync up with the way it turns and move with it. Like in that movie "Phenomenon" when John Travolta looks up at the trees swaying and sways with them and all of a sudden understands. I want to feel the surge of success in life... like a blood rush that feeds my decisions. I want to make decisions and not react. Yeah, to not react, but to move when it moves. That is what I want. I can think it, like a cool breeze, but I have never done it... too worried...too scared of failure. I am not talking about quitting my job, running naked through the streets of Rutland here. I am just talking about not being afraid, not second guessing everything, not being a slave to my finances and afraid to try something else as well.

I feel like I am holding on to a quickly spinning world for dear life sometimes.... most times... and my hands are sore, and my eyes are closed, but I will not let go.

db

Back in class

I had my first class of photography tonight. It was at the art museum. It was interesting and not so much at times. The most interesting aspect was the other people there with me... We were a very varied bunch of individuals. I sat next to a very introspective, non-verbal comic illustrator that didn't answer the prof's questions when asked except to reply that he drew comics. Next to him was a very old, bespectacled man in a three piece suit that worked somehow for the state. Next to him was a kind of bubbly sophomore in high school that was interested in starting a candle company online. Other people included another comic book creator that said two thing all night: "Hi", and "Do you want to see something creepy." He said both of those things to the professor who, to her own credit, took them in stride, and a couple of housewives.

The class itself was a mixture of things I already knew and things that are going to be incredibly useful to me. The class is on photoshop elements. I think I am going to like it, I just have to walk around a bit more than anyone else due to the pain in my shoulder. It is going away, just not entirely gone yet. I get to go see a neurosurgeon in August. I hope he tells me to go away. My back is getting better... he should.

I bought some really nice scallops today to cook tomorrow, almost ensuring that tomorrow is going to be a blue ribbon day!

in her fullness

I thought I would write about her today. She is 2 and is really 2. Here is what today was like with her, or as much as I can remember about it. She began the day by waking up at 8:00 and calling my name. I asked her if she wanted to get out, she grabbed her blanky, her baby, and the book she was looking at and stood up for me to take her out. I did and brought her into the living room. She has been doing this wonderful thing lately. She will spontaneously come up and scream "Daddy" and hug my leg. She also pulls on my hand till I bring it low enough for her to kiss and then she does so. That later bit developed during my whole hurt shoulder/back thing.

She turned on the tv, the stereo, switched the input on the tv to tv and followed that by asking for a show. I said no tv. Then she threw an earth shattering fit, screamed "MY TV!" and wound up being punished in the pack and play. And that is pretty much how the whole day is for Nora. She exists in two realities. One is the sweetest, cuddliest, big-eyed, big hug world, and the other makes me want to lock her in her closet all day long and take her out when it is time for bed. She hits Henry, tried to bite me today, she threw a piece of race track at Henry, threw her food off of the table, let the cats outside, sat on the cat until it yelped (do cats yelp) and ran, bent the antenna on a portable radio I have... this is today... and the list goes on. But, in between the fits of rage, she is so loving and sweet. I have to tell Henry over and over again that she doesn't fully know what she is doing.

Recently, when I was changing her, she said distinctly, " I have a big ass." and then she repeated it twice more. I was freaking out!! She said it almost every time we changed her for a couple of weeks. Jen started accusing me of telling her that! I couldn't figure out how on earth she would have heard that! It finally took Henry to tell me that she was saying "I have a big rash." And that is parenthood for you... sweet and sour and fraught with danger.

4th and finished

Well, independence has past, back to sublimiation. :) I photo'd and taped the weekend with the express purpose of making a movie to record it all. It was lots of fun, however, the beginning, during the fireworks, is pretty much just black. It is kind of annoying but not really because you get to hear Henry and Carter discussing fireworks. My little editing program lets me post things right to youtube... maybe I will try that..... right....now....

Well that was pointless. You tube only allows movies of less than ten minutes I guess. Wait.... maybe I could cut some stuff out of it...the dark parts...

I

Must

Try

Forget it.... I would have to cut out too many good parts.... Any way I got our B-B-Q in there and the parade and the fireworks. Henry and Nora walked away from the parade with more candy than I thought possible. Yesterday we went to Church, then out with friends to supper. Nice day... There is nothing planned for today. Jenny isn't working, obviously I am doing a big nothing, and its sunny out. All of the ingrediants for niceness, a big empty pitcher. It is almost 9:00 in the morning and we are making decisions about what to do today. Ideas= Old Sturbridge Village (Henry had new love for horse rides), the beach... hmm... must go for now.

I can feel it... I CAN FEEL IT!!

My strength returned in my arm today... I feel like Sampson or something. This is going to be short and sweet. I still was achey a bit, but I am starting to feel a whole lot better...

Today was a good day.

elbows, fingers and short women

I went back to the physical therapist today. I was over half an hour early... I have no idea how that happened. It was like I went through some hole in the time space continuum and got there in five minutes... at any rate. I watched a bit of tennis, which I actually really love, and then this tiny, blond woman came over and told me that she was going to be working with me today. She also told me her name, and I almost remembered it. So, she made me lie down on a heating pad, and that was really nice. Then she massaged my back. That started out really really nice. I have never had anyone that knew what they were doing do anything like that. It was so good in the beginning. Then things got bad. she started pressing really hard around my shoulder blades. And, then I felt what I thought was her superhumanly strong hands digging in under them. I just couldn't figure out how she could even have the power to do this!! I realized that she was working her elbow around my back. She described the feeling as intense. I describe the feeling as searing pain. At one point I had a muscle spasm that made my hand clench into a fist. At this, she giggled... GIGGLED... and said "Ooo a muscle spasm...we will have to work that out later." Then she proceeded to tell me that she was a certified massage therapist and was planning on working in some deep tissue massage into my nice calm regiment of physical therapy. Next time I am going to ask her where she keeps all the black leather stuff and chains...

Then I had traction. I am really hoping that this is working. I think it might be. Which is really exciting.

I went to the fireworks tonight. They were great.. even greater than that is the fact that Jenny seems to be making a new friend. She really needed someone other than me... preferably a girl. So, I was happy to go with their family. They have kids our kids age and she is a nurse... It is nice to see that happening. Henry loved the fireworks and Nora held her hands over her ears but didn't cry at all. :)

kill the messanger

So, I got a phone call today from some guy that I have never talked to before. He was from my doctor's office I guess. My Doctor's office is the most messed up place in the universe. I have no idea why my doctor, who is really good, chooses to reside there. So anyway, some guy told me that I have two bulging discs in my neck. How bad? What does that mean? Is it getting better or worse? ANY FREAKING OTHER QUESTION YOU CAN THINK OF?? No answer. "I can just read to you the note that your doctor left on their report." And, he referred me to a neurosurgeon. The one question he answered is that that doesn't necessarily mean that I am going to have surgery. They just want me to go and talk to a surgeon and he will be nice enough to make that appointment for me at UMass.

So, here is my hope: I go to the man who does operations on spines for a living and he says, I don't want to do my job on you because you don't need me. It would be like going to the gas station and the attendant looking at your car and saying, "Just keep going, you're all set without me." I really do hope this though. I was left hanging by my crappy doctor's office so I did the next best thing... I got on the Internet. It seems, from the 50 or so sites that I perused, that the most common treatment for this is not surgery but traction and stabilization with the purpose of relieving pain, with the addition of some medicines while the pain goes. Once the pain is gone the rest comes with time.

I have had the traction, and it was actually kind of nice, minus the weirdness of have some one put my head in a small padded machine and attempt to pull it out of my body slightly. I had visions of giant machines with wires attached to ropes and pulleys and guys in big casts with legs elevated. But the thing comes in a little cinched bag and is inflated with air. Really, it was kind of nice. I got to lay down for like fifteen minutes while this thing alleviated any sort of pain in my shoulder and arm. The pain in my arm comes and goes now and is very rarely severe. I slept through the night last night and woke this morning to just a little stiffness. All in all, pretty ok. I just want that surgeon to say the same...

survivorman....I am not...

If surviving means sleeping, than I failed... 3:38. This was a lot of fun. Hm.... how to account for this... I started out by turning out the lights, and playing these nature/night sounds I downloaded from itunes. They were great, primarily crickets. Nora wouldn't stop talking. She kept saying "Carrots are for rabbits.... and Henry would laugh and she would say it again... this happened for literally half an hour. I tried to sleep on the floor but my back was starting to hurt so I went to bed. I heard Nora say that she wanted to sleep with "Daddy." So, in she came. She got up in my bed for two minutes then wanted to sleep in the tent. She went back to the tent and said she wanted to sleep with me again and came back to my bed. The she went back to the tent. This whole thing repeated itself a few times. I finally went back to the tent because I knew that is what she really wanted. I stayed there until everyone fell asleep, turned off the crickets, and then went back to bed. I kinda thought that I would sleep through the night tonight... but it wasn't to be I guess.

I love my family...they are going to be, and are being, the best part of my life.

outside inside

Right now I am staring at a tent... fully set up in my living room. The kids are getting ready for an indoor campout...campin... idk but it is serious. We made smores and ate chicken on sticks we are going to go to sleep to the sounds of the night brought to use kindly by itunes.

I don't know how I could possibly survive this... ;)

words and weather

I slept through the night last night. I think I went to bed before 11 and got up a tiny bit after 6. That is a whole night's sleep my friends!! So, I am supposed to go camping today. But, there are a couple things that are preventing that from happening. 1. my back might die completely sleeping on the ground. 2. It is supposed to rain for eternity. So, no camping. Even though this is the thing that I won in a photo contest. I do however want to get a pamphlet because the army core of engineers put my picture on it's cover.

Jonathan is coming over to chat about poetry this morning. I can't begin to describe how exciting that is. First, he is sincere. Second, he knows very little. Third, its just poetry, no grammar lessons, no getting ready for high school, no eighth grade tension. He is an adult!!! I am really happy to explore this with him. He really wants to write, and is actively writing. I have decided that I will give him a new "assignment" every week and will do the assignment as well. So, I will post the result here.

Poetry really is, for me, the zenith of writing. Good poetry is amazing, and writing good poetry, though nearly impossible, is even more amazing. I have to go into school today to get a couple of things before he comes over. I think that 90 percent of the reason that people like music these days is because they like poetry. They don't know it, but those lyrics are really poems.

It struck me recently that popular music, within the last 100 years, is really derivative of opera. Before that there were really only two types of music. Opera (with people singing to the music) and everything else (that didn't contain people singing at all). I guess there were choruses, but they had tons of people singing the melody. The melody in today's popular music is carried by instruments and the voice plays around the melody = opera. How weird is that?

less is more? no... just less

Well, I tried to take less medicine before bed last night and here I am, up at ungodly hours in the morning. I laid on my side yesterday and took a nap for a couple of hours. When I woke up, almost all of the numbness had gone from my hand. But it instantly came back when I stood. I go to see a Physical Therapist today. I am a little afraid that this person is going to screw me up worse than I am now. We'll see.

I signed up for the first of a slew of photography courses yesterday. I intend to take as many as I can throughout the next school year. Then, I will head out for another masters. This time in English. So, school officially starts again on July 7th. I can't wait. I love good classes... I hope this is going to be one of them. I took it through the art museum. I was happy to see that the instructor is a professor, http://www.full-circle-designs.com/profile.html at Ithica College.

It is dark in here, and quiet. the refridgerator is buzzing and my computer is making little counter-melodies and that is it. 4:46. I want to go back to bed at 5:30 when the pain will stop but it will be light out then and I know that I will also want to stay up. I could get a few hours of sleep in then though...

after the deluge

So, that is done. And as promised, I want to write about some of the aspects of this year that were kind of amazing... at least to me. I am not sure when I started to like this year. It seemed fairly normal, nice, normal but then maybe three quarters of the way through it kind of took on new life. I think it had something to do with the challenge of the low MCAS scores in Rutland.

First, let me say that I hate the MCAS. And this year I really proved why. I can't discuss the results of the test except to say that we did well.

First: MCAS is inconsistent because it not only judges the students' ability to a degree, but also, and more so, the students willingness to take the test and complete it. In Rutland, for some reason, the moral surrounding the test was low. The chief thing that I changed this year was to attack that low moral. I pit my rapport with my students against their apathy regarding the stupid MCAS. It was that change that may have changed everything.

STOP... I just realized I was boring myself...

1. I am not an old Italian man that talks to themselves till they ramble on in complete incoherence.

2. I don't want to write about MCAS.... or anything of that awful genre.

3. School is done.

4. School is done.

So, here is a very small visual account of my first day of summer.

And I had an MRI... which was incredibly loud, incredibly tight, and incredibly, I fell asleep during it.

when all things are equal.....run

Today this blog equalled the length of my other largest blog. And that one is just writing prompts. So, that is serious. Yup... serious... .. .. ... no, its not.

I found out that I don't have to get injected with dye for my MRI this Saturday morning at 7:30! That is one of the happier things ever because that means no injections and it means I am that many steps away from being one of those animals all pumped full of formaldehyde.

I am going to say goodbye to a bunch of very sad eighth graders today. Its funny, I think we (8th graders and I) know on some level that this graduation is kinda silly. But still, I find it meaningful and they do too. It is sad to see people that I have got to know and like leave, with all likelihood, forever. But it is also kind of neat to have a ceremony to mark the occasion. What I am not looking forward to is trying to make my back sit nicely in one of those seats for a while. If my back is bad, I have no idea if I am going to be able to do that. So, I might be some strange walking around teacher at graduation. Thank God Central Tree doesn't televise it like MTV did.

This has been kind of an amazing year for me. But I think I will save those thoughts for my next post... it has though.

a place for everything

I am done. I have finished all of my papers. I still woke up at 5:00 today. So here is a new one.... my leg is turning numb. Just when I am laying down. What the heck!!!!! This is the weirdest thing ever. The pain is getting less and I was starting to feel a bit comfortable with everything until I am better, but now this new bit is throwing me a bit. I hate these kind of things. I had an MRI scheduled for this Thursday but I have graduation so I will have to put it off a bit. I just want to be past this whole thing...

So anyway, yes I am done, almost entirely done with school. Two more days and summer starts. I will be camping for a couple of days and then the fourth of july will be here. (I love the 4th in Rutland). Jenny is massively depressed about our finances. We just found out that our house has devaluated so much since we built it that we can't afford a fixed mortgage. Also, we can't afford to finish the upstairs. This sucks so bad. It is really disheartening. I was pretty sad about it also. We need twelve thousand dollars to finish the upstairs. I thought we would just be able to have our house estimated for a finished upstairs and then get a construction loan and finish it. Because of the freaking economy, our house has decreased in value so much in the two years since we built it that the bank will only offer us two thousand dollars.

Yes, I am happy to be a teacher. I want to blow up the whole freaking world when I think about how little I make as a teacher. I hate it.

I really hate it.

wish granted

I woke at 2:30.... The problem is, I was counting on waking at 5:00 to get my grades in at school... so, I now am stuck with setting my alarm at 6:00 to have enough time to get my grades in. But, I read everyone's blogs and it was nice. They are such nice windows in to everyone's days. It is rough getting to know people and then representing some part of their past that they grow beyond so they just keep moving on. I reiterate... I have the strangest job. This picture was in my work folder on my desktop ... so here ya go.

I am going to bed again...

Papers = past

So.... that's over... kind of. I have a bunch of grades to enter tomorrow, early in the morning, before anyone sane will be up. I really fell behind this year. I hate that. But, done now. And, it was really good year this year. Here is what I liked.

1. I really really like tackling one new style of poetry a month and making it an overarching assignment. This month we did Sestinas, Shakespearean Sonnets, "Place" poems, Villanelles, Concrete poems (adult versions with conflicting images), Complex rhyme scheme poems (steph's poems), metaphor poems, and a couple of others I can't remember.

2. I really like my first assignment: Go to the Old Rutland Burial Ground and pick out a stone. Do some research about the person buried there. Read some nonfictional pieces and then a fictional piece, all the time winding up to writing a student created historical fiction piece. (This year I will get them put up in the library.)

3. Writing Prompts of course... These work on so many levels. They break through the doldrum of the student's day. They get them situated in class. They work as a means for breaking down social walls between students. They develop a students individual voice. They are not graded (Thank God), so they are a safe place for a student to play with writing. (never found in school). They are also a time for a student's mind to wander where it will (something mine certainly did in school).

4. Horror story unit. I love this unit. Next year I want to develop it a bit further. I want to have a selection of novels that we can read through individually or possibly read Dracula as a class. I love the student created movies!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EqioCv1QEco

5. I think I did a good job on the stupid MCAS thinger... ( I actually know I did but I can't say anything about that yet)

6. Research paper... I don't know... should I do it again? is it worth it? It is the reason I got so backed up in correcting yet again. I hate correcting it... and teaching it kinda, but I think it is a good experience.

The rest... I am up for rethinking.

It is a lot of fun to be able to reform everything from year to year. For example, former student, Kylekate just graduated from NYC and now is a Pro Drama Coach. She just volunteered to come in sometime next year so I might want to focus on some dramatic pieces. I taught A Midsummer Nights Dream at Mountview and had some serious fun with that. Also, my friend Stephen Cass is the Senior Editor of a Magazine and has volunteered to come in and talk... so something along those lines might be nice as well. "Who knows" is what I mean... Who knows!! That is the fun in it.

My time is slipping

I am not waking up at night anymore. 5:00 seems the new time. I can't believe I am sad to see it go. I think that time was unique. I was simply waiting... nothing to do... just wait to feel better. It was solely given to writing in this blog. 5 means that I can get ready for the day. It's light out too. We don't watch a lot of tv in this house anyway, but I think that I am going to nix all tv after supper. Jen won't mind, except for Friday nights when "What Not to Wear" is on. It is amazing how much she likes that show. I think she just likes to watch people who can afford new clothes (curse you government for paying teachers so little). My shows aren't playing right now anyway. I watch Lost and Supernatural... also, Ghost Hunters is a nice little break from whatever I am doing. Supernatural is ricidulous. It is a mix of absolute cheese and really thoughtful writing with a little horror stuck in. I REALLY like it. Plus it has taken on a cult feeling that is kind of priceless. Best episode yet: The Monster at The End of This Book. Two protgaonists, Sam and Dean, are walking through a comic book store (cool in itself) and find a series af cheesy books that are mapping out their life. So they hunt down the author after talking to a diehard fan of the series that doesn't trust them to be true fans... hillarious. When they find him, they think he is psychic and try to "convince" him to stop tapping into their lives for fear that hell will use it somehow, but when they get forceful with him, he turns out to be a Prophet and is protected by archangles. He is writing the gospel of their lives and is therefore untouchable.

The writing was so good and self-deprecating. love that...

Ok I have blown off correcting these last few papers long enough...

I can taste it

Summer is a week, and one large pile of papers away. I can taste it. Henry's anticipation of me being home is building. He keeps asking me what we are going to do together. He is going through one of his cute phases too!! I can tell you, being a father is really hard, especially in the beginning for me. I had the hardest time adjusting to everything. But it is so worth it. When I see his face light up because he sees me... and its me he's seeing... and he gets excited to be with me, there is nothing better than that. It is worth the low pay to have the summer off with them. Nora has been kissing my hand lately and saying "hurt shoulder." It is the best feeling I have known to be with my kids. I am going to die if they hate me in their teen years. I don't know what I will do. I can't picture them hating me... maybe when I have to say no to things, but they will always know that I love them under all of that. I am sure. I always knew with my parents... but man, I gave them a run for their money, and I did screw things up pretty bad... even to this day to some degree. I love them though and I know that they know that.

One week and I will be, according to Henry, going to caves that have boats in them, going camping, going to Chucky Cheese lol, and going exploring. I am looking forward to just having time to spend luxuriosly doing nothing with Henry and Nora... more so Henry because Nora is still so frantic. She is three and in full swing. But Henry is starting to slow down some and take time to talk. I love that.... He gets this look when he talks to me about doing things together... this... wistfull, expectant look. I can't believe I get to spend my life with these two kids.

good news...no news...bad news...

I just came back from said doctor's office. She is really nice. I used her hand sanitizer. In her niceness she told me that she wanted to make sure that i was ok... and that I don't have any permanent damage from begin weak and numb. So, that was nice. But, I have to have an MRI... which I held on to for hope of not getting an injection, the bane of my existance, and it turns out that they have to inject die into me for that. Oh well... the X-ray came back kind of good: a tiny bit of bone spur on c5-6 but not bad. I also have to have some sort of electric thing that locates the nerve that is being affected... somehow, even though its not invasive, I think it might hurt a bit... I have this vague memory of someone telling me that it is awful. I can handle awful though... just not invasive. I might be pinching my nerve somewhere in my shoulder or in my arm.. and they want to find out where it is.

By the way... here is one of my pet peeves that could be offensive to people... I don't like it when people dissasociate themselves from parts of their body when they have a problem. They say things like "The arm" instead of "my arm" etc... I even find that I have this pet peeve somewhat offensive given that I don't have any life threatening thing that I am aware of and if I did who knows what I would be calling it/me.

My finger is still numb by the way... but I went a good part of the day without taking any medicine... That was nice... It is going to rain on father's day.... which isn't so nice given that Jenny planned a nice thing for me outside (I don't know what it is yet). If it can't happen in the rain, reading is always nice when it rains... but I can't sit for long. grr go away weird shoulder thing!!!!!!

Quoting rabbits..

I go to visit the doctor tomorrow. I am afraid that she is going to tell me something awful. I used to have a seriously hard time with medical stuff. I really do verge on hypochondria. I have this view of life that is wrong, I think... I see it as so fragile, litterally every time I am sick, part of me worries that it is something beyond what is presenting itself. I feel like my life is just balancing and that something is going to come along and just knock everything to the ground. So, the doctor didn't want to leave information over the phone. So, I am worried that this neck thing is something other than what I have had to look up online.

A long time ago.. when I was young, I remember going to the doctor... doctor Miller... and just dying about everything. He called me a worrywort. That was his term. I would cry when he took out the toung depressor. I would literally ball when I had to get a shot. What was I afraid of. I think it has something to do with being invaded. I have this life, and I want so badly to enjoy it, and I don't want anything to come and knock it over.

I was thinking today that I didn't want to die soon because I don't want Henry to have to grow up without me. It sounds dramatic, but it isn't in my head. It's real. I used to think that I wouldn't live past 30... if I could just make it to thirty than I would be ok. It is awful to feel this kind of thing threatening my life. I don't want it to be.

When I was 14 I found a tumor in my back near my spine. I could feel it with my fingers, a bump, under my skin, just sitting there. It took me years to go to the doctor to have him tell me it was nothing.. just a bump. ( I have a few of those now) But I lived in fear that I had some awful cancer eating away at me. Why am I like this. So, now, I still am numb and my shoulder and back do still hurt. All of this is slowly receeding though, and I am deeply afraid that that doctor is going to tell me some life threatening thing and I will have to look at my children in a time lapse kind of way. I just need to give this up. I need to let God take all of it and just relax. Sometimes I can. I want to now...

I am going to Boston today with the 8th graders. It should be a fun trip...I hope my back deosn't bother me.

Politicians

I do not in any way like or trust politicians. Teaching, is oddly involved in this. Its not really teaching, it is more like Administration. I went to a meeting today and heard my Big Boss... tell me everything that I wanted to hear. I left thinking that I had actually heard absolutely nothing. I have no faith in politicians... nor do I have faith in the system in any way. I want to have faith in our new president. I did for a while... but I think that the system is so corrupt that I just can't. I have faith in my interaction with individual people. I have to think about what to write about this....maybe if I wake up tonight.... if.

(yay)

I slept through the night today!

its coming back... I think

I just woke up and Phoebe was apparently still up, she just wrote in her blog. Will my kids stay up this late? I think I am getting feeling back in my finger!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is definately still a bit numb but I think its less!!!!! Also, yes, I am still up, but the pain is not that bad right now. I think this is slipping. Oh Jesus, let this be slipping.

Hmm... lets talk about significant things... shall we. I think my new church is changing things in my life for the better. I went to a huge church for a while. Heritage Bible Chapel. It is big and evangelical and was fun. I played drums with musicians that had recorded serious cds and had been a part of rock bands for years. John Veto was the singular best musician that I have ever worked with and Kirsten Locke is something of a legend in folk music. And, they liked me. They liked my style and we had some serious fun. I do miss that a lot. I miss the practice and the learning that they provided. Hm... what else do I miss? I miss the invisibility given by being part of something that doesn't really notice you. I could sit and read a book during service... even a book that pop Christianity would hate, like Harry Potter, that I would take specifically into church to piss people off. (We could have a conversation about that for a long time) And still I could remain undisturbed.

So now, I am in a tiny little church that has just started. Cana Community Church, and, I am in no way invisible anymore. I don't play music anymore either. But, my new church is something that my old one couldn't touch... it is... a thinking person's church. It would embrace Harry Potter. We are watching the "Jesus Camp" movie at bible study tomorrow. This is a movie that was meant to cut evangelical Christianity to pieces. I hope it does. And my new church would love that cutting... would love the pruning. It is apologetic for all of the stupidity poored out of the Christian Church.... it doesn't hate gay people!! It would welcome them in without embarassment.. In short, it is matching me, thought for thought with what I thought about Christianity. Actually even more than that... its pushing me to rethink things.

Last Sunday, Dave (new pastor) said that all of these people claim to be Christians by ascribing to certain rules and practices and completely miss the central claim of Christ. Which is to love others as yourself. How can they call themselves Christians when they are not being Christians. He also stated that he can't even love his own family. Let me say that again, because it hurts, because it is true. He can't even love his own family.

The more I understand Christ's love, the more I understand how foriegn it is to what I do. I do love my family, but to be sacrificially loving it the way that I could be. To be that unselfish to them. I am not there. Christ called us all to be that unselfish with everyone we meet. WHAT!!! And I can not even understand how to do that. But that is what this new church is doing that the other one wasn't. The other was a fun club to be a part of. This one is pushing me past the definition, past the title. And, I am starting to understand why Christianity at large needs to be very embarrased by what it has become.

I, for one, am starting that apology.

back in black

3:30 But its ok. Its funny, I woke up 12 minutes ago and came out to get my medicine, and I was happy about it. It's odd, this midnight waking. In some ways, when I am better, I am going to miss it. It's just me and the light from this computer, and the hum of the refridgerator. Everyone here is soundly asleep. And I have this black hour.

I wake in the dark and remember
it is the morning when I must start
by myself on the journey
I lie listening to the black hour
before dawn and you are
still asleep beside me while
around us the trees full of night lean
hushed in their dream that bears
us up asleep and awake then I hear
drops falling one by one into
the sightless leaves and I
do not know when they began but
all at once there is no sound but rain
and the stream below us roaring
away into the rushing darkness.

That is Rain Travel by W. S. Merwin. It's one of my favorites. The trees here are full of night. My living room is and it's just barely being held at bay by the light from this computer and the yellow-green numbers on my cable box.

Today I decided to love Jenny even if she is pissy. (It was a big decision, I hope I can keep up with it).

5:00

Does 5:00 count as a whole night?? I think so!! That would be 10:30ish to 5:00.... YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel almost rested even! Some bad news though, I left Henry's window open in the car last night... so I am sure that his chair is soaked through... This reall does suck...omg, the papers were on the floor of his seat. I need to go and check them. hold on... Yup... soaked. Only about five of them are really bad though. great. fine... thats it.

3:15

Ok, so call it a set back... 3:15. I was going to take two vicotin tonight, but I was too scared. It is the recommended dosage but I have never taken it and I was afraid that it would slow my heart beat down to nothing... probably dumb but whatever.

I received news today from the doctor and I have no idea what to make of it. I have arthritis in my neck... What the hell is that!! I am glad that it isn't some tumor or something equally as awful, but arthritis is causing this, this up at 2, 3, 4 in the morning? I asked how to treat it and the lady (some girl named Michelle who isn't a doctor and in face I have no idea who she is because she only introduces herself on the phone as "Michelle") told me she would have to look into that and call me back. And here I am, up at 3:15 debating whether or not to take one or two vicotin so I can manage going back to sleep. I am going to look it up online... which I know could lead to all sort of misinformation. But hey, Michelle will probably never get back to me and I have to have some sort of idea, dont I?

I have tons... TONS of correcting to do. I want to get most of it done this weekend. This might entail going off to the library and forcing myself to do it in one big chunk. Jenny is working a bit tomorrow but that is it I think.

I pulled the first radish out of my garden today. It was amazing. Bright cherry red and beautiful. I didn't even wash it off, just thoroughly rubbed all of the dirt off and broke it in half to give jenny half. It was bright white inside and tasted smooth and buttery with a peppery aftertaste. Things that you buy in the supermarket do not taste anything like that beauty that comes out of my garden... not even close.

4:30 But it doesn't count

It doesn't count because I was also up for a tiny bit at 2:00. Still, not bad. My shoulder doesn't hurt as much as it used too. It still does hurt though, even right now it hurts. So, I am again waiting for the meds to kick in. This time I took two muscle relaxers and 4 motrin. So,I think that should help. I wonder if I will write in this blog when I finally sleep through the whole night again. I wonder if I will ever sleep through the whole night again.... it has been a while now.

You know what is weird? Reading about your job in the newspaper every week. Reading about peoples' animosity toward, and support of you in the same little article. It is like I am stuck right in the middle of a war that I have very little, personally to do with. The district had a school meeting that hundreds of people went to. the district is doing very bad things... they are eliminating art, music and gym from all of the elemetary schools. I am pissed about it. I really am. But, the towns refuse to fund the schools. It seems like they always have. So, what is the school supposed to do. I just feel like it is such a stupid argument. If you wan't those things in school, you are going to have to pay to have them. I just think that the idea that people have to pay teachers is repellent to most people and they think that we have to work for free. It is the same with police and town workers. People like to pretend that money just appears for those services. I am so upset that Henry may not get music and art in school. I am going to have to put him in classes outside of what school offers... which is a niche market right now by the way, if you want to make some money, make an after school program that teaches art and music for an hour...

One lady at the meeting delcared that the country is in a depression and that the teachers should feel the weight of that. OK... I understand her sentiment, but it isn't thought through very well. What I do is mandatory. Its not like a company that sells things and then can't sell as much because we are in a depression. There are still going to be kids coming to school in the middle of the depression, and in Rutland, that number is growing dramatically every year. Its like the trash guys, if you lay off the trash guys because there is a depression, all you get is more trash stinking up your yard. So, all you are really doing is changing the kind of education the kids recieve. And I hate the way that is changing. The teachers all voted to not recieve any raises next year...a thing that I voted for even though I am poor. I think that was a pretty big give on my part. It was actually huge but no one understands that.

There are also people that are supporters of education and they are passionate about that too. and in between all of this is me. And all I want to do is teach kids how to write better, and to be payed well for doing that in an environment that is good for it. It is a war that is going on. The school has no money and I keep reading the same sentence over and over.... "This is only the beginning."

3:46

This the latest I have slept in weeks!! It feels great! My shoulder is sore right now, but I have hope, and that is good. Wait, I found a cool picture.... hold on...

Its funny, I saw this yesterday and I thought, cool picture, but I had no idea it was applying to me. I could go into why its so fitting, but why ruin it. I am waiting until the vicotin numbs me enough to go back to bed, and I am hoping to sleep from say....4:30 to 7:00. That would be nice!!

Here are things that I must do.

Start consistantly doing the bills on Sundays... Jenny really doesn't want to do this anymore.

Correct all of the rest of the research papers this weekend. Even though its going to kill my hand.

Get into a cool photography class this summer.

Make certain my plans for another Masters at Clark the year after this coming one.

Tell Erik the list of failing kids by this Friday.

Play constructively with both kids more often.

Create a schedule for learning time with Henry that Jen can follow. (maybe I will do that now)

That's all I can think of right now... not bad really.

Oh, find more five college dance videos on You tube.... (they are so SO good)