I don't think I could, actually

Alright... fess up time. I just watched an episode of "So you Think You Can Dance." And, that is not the confession. :) I will watch that show, and it is fun to watch, I don't consider it serious dance... (and I have seen serious dance) but for what it is, it is fun to watch sometimes. Occasionally there will be a piece that strikes me as something to really think about. Here is the confession, I actually cried... not full blown cry, cry, but cried at a piece tonight. It was set to gravity, by Sara Bareilles, whom I am learning to like a lot, and was about addiction. It really moved me, the hardness of the dark figure behind this girl that struggled and gave and fell loose and rigid, something about the control, all of it seemed so genuine and dark.

I feel like that sometimes, tamed by everything around me, tied down by everything I've made. Maybe not addicted, but close, definitely out of control. I realized a few years ago that I have the capacity to not become involved in life. I am not talking about my failure to go skydiving here. I am saying that I can hide away and watch it all from a distance. I did so for years. It was during that time that I became lonely. Again, not on the surface, but way in. Even recently, I realized that I was letting everything slide away again. Not participating, smile, slide, walk away. It's like life as act I. I think that is the biggest danger I succumb to. And I do so regularly. I could live in my house, watch my kids grow old, and never leave or veer their course. Maybe not for the course of their entire lives, but for a day, sure, done that. I get so sad about it too. I fear that they are learning to do things on their own, not because they can, but because they have to. I sit and read, or use the computer, or do nothing, and they ask to me play with them (become involved with me Dad) and I don't. It actually happened in the beginning of today. I rallied after lunch, and cleaned the whole freaking house up because of it, but it was there. I don't really even know what that is. I just watch...

I hate that rigid thing that holds me here, ties me down to apathy (not apathy) uninvolvement, self centered, defensive, safe, and dying. I want so bad to let the world happen with me. To sync up with the way it turns and move with it. Like in that movie "Phenomenon" when John Travolta looks up at the trees swaying and sways with them and all of a sudden understands. I want to feel the surge of success in life... like a blood rush that feeds my decisions. I want to make decisions and not react. Yeah, to not react, but to move when it moves. That is what I want. I can think it, like a cool breeze, but I have never done it... too worried...too scared of failure. I am not talking about quitting my job, running naked through the streets of Rutland here. I am just talking about not being afraid, not second guessing everything, not being a slave to my finances and afraid to try something else as well.

I feel like I am holding on to a quickly spinning world for dear life sometimes.... most times... and my hands are sore, and my eyes are closed, but I will not let go.

db